So i'ved kissed you now i miss you

2012-02-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

Like Crazy

I thought it would be some nauseating romance story with a lovesick couples who try to overcome all to fall in love

But im a sucker for indie type romantic flicks

Instead I was pleasantly surprised, i at first found them a bit annoying. Especially with stupid decisions made. But it is realistic, it is about young, naive, acting on impulsive and on the intense melancholy and longing you feel for someone. You often wonder, what would it be like just to be with that person? Why not just give it a chance? a chance at happiness? what if, this person was the ONE for you.

Their relationship is reduced to transatlantic flight, missed calls, and two people trying to desperately cling on to something that maybe just isn't real. You spend more time trying to chase down something that you want so badly, you ache and long for it without really really experiencing it. Maybe just loving the idea of it, the reality of it, the smudges you felt of it. The bit and pieces of the time you spent together. At the end of the day.... is it worth it?

Its sad how romance can be whittled down to nothing more than circumstances, timing and bad decisions. How international customs and immigration can keep two apart. But it is honest, relatable and it does start slow at first, but does build up toward the end.

At the end of the day, maybe the moral of the story is to Not Try to Romanticize And Continue a Long Distance Relationship,NO MATTER how torn up you feel about it. If it means the two of you will never be on the same continent permantly.

The final scene is of the two in the shower, with flashbacks of ther on-off romance through the ( three years) covered in the film. It isn't a clobbered, moment of ecstatic happines with a sloppy kiss. Actualy strangely enough, there is no sex scene between the actual couple, but instead sex scenes with other suitors. What is this implying about the couple? that their romance never really had any concrete physicality to it, and was more of an abstract dream, with the two falling more for the idea of being together. The end had me wandering, yes the two eventually ended up together, but should they have? or were they merely caught up in chasing downa dream? and once you've got that dream, it just slips through your fingers and you wonder, Was it really worth it? Maybe you just fell in love with the idea of being in love.

2012-01-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

As Usual....

I SHOULD BE STUDYING

one hour more to social cognition.

But I have to say one thing....

" you are not a rider till you have fallen off seven times"
watching something kinda reminded me of that....

I never realised the relation of it to my own life till now. I have always been strong, i have always managed to rise again. After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

You learn or at least try to learn from your mistake
It is ok to fail
It is ok to fall down sometimes
It is ok to not be completely on top of things and perfect all the time
Although sometimes you wish you could just be that
But our mistakes and flaws make us who we are

It is ok to fail
It is how we recover and get back on
that counts
that people will remember
Its the hardships that you remember
Because what comes down always comes up

Remember you are not a rider till you have fallen off seven times

There is always getting back on again, as long as you try

2012

2012-01-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

Fuck New Years Resolutions

Never followed them anyway
So glad to be back at my waterloo home.

I liked being away.... being with the family...

Lets hope it is a good year...

Then again, the joy of not knowing whats really going to happen is exciting. Waiting for it to unfold.
I am happy I am in a good place now.

It seems like the tragedy of last year, seems to have been washed clean this time. I am ready to truly get past it. I have spent the last two months of last year working through it. Now I am in a better place.

Its like I picture myself walking away from this person/box, i get further and further away but my foot prints stay and an imaginary coloured line will always connect me to that person/ box. No matter how far I go, its going to stay there. But the further I get the more distant it will become.

|B ut I will always be somehow connected.

It is not in my immediate mind. Only time will tell how things go

Riding post

2011-11-19T09:35:00.000-08:00

Return of the riding post?

I had a GOOD lesson this week! Was on trigger, a palomino pony. I was on charlotte last week. He was pretty good, quiet, got him tacked up ( a little slow) and then got on, he was good, did what i asked, he hated corners at first, and i had to push him through them. He required a bit of the crop, but other than that was ok. Laura made us practice rising trot without stirrups about half the lesson!! my legs are gonna hurt tmr, haven't done it for w hile ( who am I kidding? years!)

Then we did some jumping agian, I admit i was around i was gonna screw up my position and wouldn[t get a good flow over the jump. However, jumping trigger was amazing! I kinda of had to adopt a lighter-hunt seat on his back and that kinda made it easier to go over the jump. His jump felt amazing, much bettet than charlotte's awkward jump. Nothing wrong with charlotte, just trigger felt easier. We practices turns and rollbacks

Taking Back The Night

2011-11-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

First time I ever marched in kind of protest of sorts, complete with slogans, drumming and roller derby girls.

There is something epically cool about walking past cars with men driving them and their windows down yelling " end patriachy now!" and " take back the night!" " Hey Mister! get off my sister!" ohhhh yeahh

I was so proud to be female and to be part of something like this. Sexual violence needs to end, any kind of violence really. Espeically towards women. The double standard angers me, I want to be able to walk WHERE I want, WHEN I want and not be accused of being a blonde just for following that logic. I want to walk where I want without the protection of men. Protection is nice, but no neccessary, I should be able to walk and be safe anywhere, wearing anything I want to. I don't need a man to protect me. If I do, Im implying I am the weaker sex. Are women the weaker sex? hell no

Sexual assault- Anything sexual unwanted, if you don;t want to do it, you shouldn't have to.

In the words of Tori Amos " Yes I wore a slinky red thing but that does mean I should spread for you? or you friends? or your father?| " I think NOT

Makes me angry.... Why does this have to happen? Im not man-hating in any way, don't get me wrong... Just annoyed at the rape culture that we live in, ever since we are young... is it fair that in secondary school we had to avoid taking a certain route because of men who would flash fourteen year old girls? Men shouldn't be flashing teenage girls.... its the whole " don't get raped vs don't rape" the whole notion of, " oh men can't help themselves" really?

Call me emotional or irrational or just an ardent supporter of women's rights.

Maybe I am angry/ frustrated with myself for letting things get quite out of hand, not seeing the wrong or believing it because I wanted to feel I was better than this, I was not going to let it happen again. Yet it happened to again and I never ever saw it as such until it was too late, and I did things I myself never really understood until now, I allowed things to happen to me that clearly ( hindsight 20/20) were completely wrong,

if someone else had told me that those things happened to them I would have told to run. Yet I never ran, I let it be. Never seeing the wrong because I thought it was your right, you can't hurt the willing. Or maybe I didn't want to see it as wrong, I was smarter than this right? I just don't want you to do that to any other girl cos no other girl would put up with that. I put up with it, until I could no longer say yes to being with you. It took a weekend of telling you the truth, seeing your reaction, and everything else in our relationship to leave you.

You had every right to be mad with me and emotional when I told you the truth, I get it. I wronged you. Yet at the same time, I never showed that kind of immense reaction when you did those things to me, I buried them, I didn't make a sound or a big deal about them. I never liked it. I told you to stop. But you never listened. You just wanted to overpower me and make me feel small, and you did that. I thought it was ok and you could have me when you wanted. My body was no longer my own, but yours yours yours.

I will come 2 uIn the still of the night

And I will crush u

With the burden of sight

And u will understand

The shadows in my heart

The fury of my conviction

Will cause your heart 2 quickenAnd then

my dearU will see u want me her

And when u wake up

U will see yourself through my eyes

And when u break up

You'll understandWhy it is I cr

yLet me speak quietly

So your heart can hear

I will hypnotize and mesmerize u

With the sound of your own fear

I just wanna get alongThis is your song

I wrote it in my head

But the melody's all wrong

And it's driving me crazy

Not having u, baby2 keep me company

In my own private worl

dYou're my one true gir

lAnd I won't be stoppin'

Just 'cause your knees are knockin

'When I decide 2 drop in

So don't make a sound

Cause there's no one around

2 come between us now

I'm gonna haunt u, girl

- Jewel " haunted" 2003

Half of my Heart won't do

2011-11-02T11:56:00.001-07:00

I am not going to blame myself for being blind and unable to see the mistake. Oh maybe I should have known and seen it coming, should have watched for the signs but I didn't. Or I didn't know they were there. Maybe I was blind to it, did not want to see it. Maybe I had been in a situation where that first relationship was all I had ever known of love and warped as it was anything slightly better than that was fine. That relationship was the worst anyone could have treated me... no one could hurt me to that effect, I had learned my lesson! I had learned to spot the signs!

Maybe not

Ive recently come to learn that perhaps, although it wasn't to that extent, it was still wrong and for some reason I didn't see it as that. Cos it wasn't J hurting me. I wasn't in that situation anymore and nothing like that was going to happen to me ever again. I don't ever ever want it to happen again, but Im not going to blame myself if it did ( although not to the same extent)
Not that X relationship was at all bad..... I loved being in it and of course don't regret any of it.

but it did come to an end for a reason... probably a lot of it my fault but then again it takes two to tango. I was unhappy for a while but didn't say anything about it and just went along with it. Until the point where I couldn't take it anymore, I could no longer put up with being made to feel dumb and being told what to do. Maybe you didn;t mean to make me feel that way but oh you did. Please don't be sorry if you did, I don't hold it against you anymore. Im just happy to be where I am now.
I did what I did and I don't regret what i did, Im so sorry if it hurt you that it did and I never meant to hurt you. But doing it opened my eyes to what was lacking and how unhappy I was.
Its all the little things that mattered.... the way I told you to stop doing things and you didn't. Those little things you do add up and know that I see it, those actions were wrong but I simply went along with it cos I knew it pleased you and I didn't want to fight you. I didn't think anything was wrong.

Letter to my teenage self

2011-10-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

After reading older blog and diary entries written by myself when I was still in secondary school. Ive decided to pen a letter to my younger self....

Dear 16 year old self,

You are beautiful, yeah it sounds like a cliche, but it is true. You may think you have it tough right now, you feel invisible sometimes ( still do sometimes now) that people don't love or accept you, they call you wierd or strange. Honey, it is all going to change, remember you are special and you need to LOVE yourself. You are worth it, you are kind, loving, generous and giving and you have innate goodness about you that you will keep. You know right from wrong and aren't afraid to show it. Your grades should NEVER determine the kind of person you are! your self worth should NEVER be tied to your academics, it is TOTALLY different, KNOW that!! Do NOT let the system let you DOWN! they should NEVER make you feel lousy!! don't indulge in self-hate!

Keep your passions, you are different and unique, you are perfect and don't need to change yourself for ANYONE. It doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or not even if you long for one, believe me, you will have boys in your life!! be true to yourself, its hard to figure out who you are at this time, and you know its ok to question yourself. Just remember that people love you, you are never alone ( I still struggle with that) Help others, try making a difference in other's lives, spread love. Be kind to others! smile! be friendly! if they don't like what you have to offer! then fuck them!

Carolyn you are beautiful and AMAZING. The hard times will pass and you will have even more challenging times, but your life is soon going to change for the better, if anything, cherish the experience you have now cos it's not going to last forever.

being young is hard.... but you are doing a good job! keep it up and just LOVE yourself, you are an amazing person!

Love

Carolyn

Say goodnight

2011-10-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ive been over this a million and one times... thought about it for weeks, days, on end. All of it looping around never coming to a conclusion, and then I did. Ive talked it over so many times, but now its so over. I am sorry for what I've done, I loved you, I swear I did that's not a lie. I was the one you loved, i don't deny that. After what I did I had to question myself if I loved someone why would I do this to you? Why I couldn;'t answer that question, maybe now I can.... slowly at least come to some sort of answer to it.... Its hard its never easy, I never meant to do the things I did to you. But things working out again? Ive thought about it a million times and I just can;t see it anymore. I am done, i loved you, but it's done. I wish you would accept it and move on with your life. I know you think there is more to us, but I can't see it, its a two-way street. I never ever ever meant to hurt you at all. We had beautiful times and Im not mad at you at all, I was just unhappy. So you think I made a tremendous mistake in thinking this way and giving up on us..... but I need this, I need to figure myself out properly and what I need. I may be the right one for you, but I don't think you are the right one for me. It sucks I know, Im not going to lie about that, believe me I cried and agonized about this for days, but guilt is not going to keep me back, putting you first I always always did that, we did that for each other all the time. But I felt you constantly picked on me, never accepted me for who I was... that i was always wrong..... I should have raised it, but I never did. I was afraid of being alone without you, and I admit its not gonna be completely easy. But I am not scared anymore.

And i never want it to end

2011-09-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

Summer '11

I always ensure i have AWESOME summers
this year I...

1. Got to vote for the FIRST time in my home country of Singapore \
2. Witnessed a political awakening like no other ( thank you social media)
3. Travelled all over the world, Edinburgh, London, Manchester ( UK) Texas, Boston, NY ( usa) and then Parry sound, alconquin, Ontario
4. Lived up north in Mckeller for 2 months at the BEST AWESOMEST summer camp ever
5. Realized I love working with kids, especially those with learning disabilities/ autism

Not so good things
1. My beautiful baby keegan passed away ( we will always miss you, a colour has left our world, but you have left ur pawprints on our hearts always)

Here's to hopefully an excellent fall!

Ooooh Kodiyaaak

2011-08-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

Its been seven weeks since the amazing adventure began... I began it just thinking it was some regular summer camp job, nothing special.... but oh, this camp is anything but nothing special!!!!!!!!!!

It's a world on it's own, a bubble yes, but it's own universe and world with it's rules. You become immersed into it's whole being.....

Tough but rewarding.... Its definetelybeen an amazing, enthralling, absolutely mind blowing, journey I am so glad to have taken. I love you Kodiak!!!!!!!!

I have learned so much about myself, and realised that I absolutely love working with kids. Sure the work is tough, you work 7am to midnight or 10pm six days a week, feel there is little or praise, but it's absolutely gratifying when you see the change that some of these kids go through in the camp. You see the POWER of Camp Kodiak. The positive supportive environment that it is encourages these kids, some of them who were the wierd kid at the back of the classroom, the one that had no friends, these are the kids I FEEL for.

For example- one girl, first came to camp, terrified of people, hated interacting with them, couldn't stand to be in crowds at all, by the end of cam[p she was totally different person, outgoing, friendly... the transformation was nothing short of astounding and I can only hope it is sustained.

Working at kodiak is tough but i will never forget the 11 pm timmies runs, the illegal midnight swim, going out to DCs on friday nights, whining about tough days and annoying kids, boring as fuck ODs and stressing about being late for it! D ( eg time outs, office ) Funny and exhausting yet I loved every single minute of it.

The skills that i learnt, canoeing in the early morning is one of the wonderful things to do, the stars at night, and just falling deeply deeply in love with camp kodiak.

Oh yeah You are!

2011-07-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

Three weeks into camp.... feels like three years, living in the mckellar bubble and LOVING it. Tonight, went out on the lake with dave, the stars were soo beautiful out, that it makes me so bloody grateful to be out here for the summer and I feel so immensely happy that this is happening... Its tirring, hot, exhausting and tests ur patenice at times, but an amazing job, I love the kids. It is so rewarding and I have learnt to be assertive! something i would have never have learnt else.

Its like being on Reality TV!

2011-07-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

Above quote sums up the week ive had so far at camp kodiak. Which hopefully will turn out to be an amazingly rewarding summer and help me decide what i really want to do with my life. As support staff, honestly a shitty position, but i suppose time will tell if it is shitty or not.

So, why reality tv? well a) no real privacy b) you know an insane amt of people in an extremely short period of time c) Have rap battles, dance-offs, go to tight and bright parties d) watch coworkers get drunk e) relationship DRAMA and try your darnest not to get involved in any way or form, ( not very successfully) f) already know of potential counseller drama in cabins happening

Feel like you have been here for 3 weeks when it has only been 8 days so far, everyday its work work work, lecture, sleep, swim, eat, work clean....

but now it feels like the calm before a storm.... like everyone is preparing for battle ( tmr) Im excited, yet at the same time im wishing for an experience that will knock my socks off and even be waaaayyyyy better than waterloo o-week.

Here goes nothing?

Gurll ah Am ya birday present!

2011-06-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

Ah funtimes

Houston / galvaston with BEN!!

surviving unbelievable heat in texas, delicious food, air conditioned prius, 3 am insanity, lack of sleep, seeing BLACK TITTY on DA BUS! nearling puking/ passing out in a parking lot, watching near-naked male strippers DANCE!!!!! ok was tempted but NO, ahhh glorious oggling. Encouraged to go all girls-gone-wild on camera ( no thanks I'd sooner puke in his face, no literally i WOULD have sooner done that, thank you alcohol) Danced at the gay club while trying not to throw up ( difficult task)
One GLORIOUS weekend of debauchery and lack of sleep.

Don't be Insecure if Your heart is Pure?

2011-06-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

Just ranting may not make complete sense
dun wanna be shot down so i keep my mouth shut
though i wannathinkformyself but I feel its wrong for me to havemy own opinions about things

cos they contradict my faith?

but I disagree with somethings I just can't put those opinions I have made myself

the counter argrument swims in my head or is that satan and his tridon spurring me on?

cos I think a woman should always have a right to make her own decisions over her reproductive system ?

Cos I think two mothers or two fathers can be just as good parents as a heterosexual couple ?

these opinions... do they make me less of a catholic? or am I falling into the arms of satan? ok maybe not that dramatic......

Im a catholic and Im pro choice and pro gay rights

The end of the Golden Era

2011-05-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

Went to see saddle club today, all the horses have changed I no longer recognised most of them, but the one who was left was old songks, he was still there, a little greyer, his delicate head hangingout of the box, pacing ( he had seen a some hay on a nearby wheelbarrow) He was awfully friendly, letting me rub his forehead and pat his neck. I still loved that little sucker. But i guess all good things come to an end, only sandra was still there, still teaching.

A week or so later i bumped into jun at a bookstore, she looked different, wearing thick eyeliner and a cute white top, me as usual feeling inferior dressed in a brown zip up top, capris and wedge heels, dangly earrings and no make up. She's studying law in london, along with some the other girls whom they " don't talk much anymore / we've all changed/ everyones all over the world" kind of thing. Yes the end of a golden era, but one i was never really part of.

I guess maybe we were all sort of connected by this common love for horses, one that i will always keep, no matter the era.

Have I told you lately that I love you?

2011-05-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

I don't want to cry over this anymore, there's an emptiness now, something's gone. You are gone, you with you gorgeous smile, your sly grin, the way you would just plaster everyone with love... I miss you so much baby, you were the shining sun, what gave us joy, I never wanted to think about the day you could go, but you did, I am so sorry we weren't there to see you go, but I knew you were in pain and were suffering, why did you have to go so soon?

It;s so difficult to imagine a life now without you, without hearing your feet shuffle across the floor, without you drooling everywhere or running around chasing the birds or cats. Ten years, ten years, you saw me grow from an awkward eleven year old, then to leave Singapore as a seventeen year old. You saw all of us through so much, and you are the brother I never hard, I will never run with you in the fields again or go over jumps with you. You were so kind and so loving, and enriched our lives so much for the last ten years, you've changed all us

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or
let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(x2)

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit -
it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me

( James blunt)

You've come a long way baby

2011-04-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

Typing this Narita airport, finally finally on the way back to Singapore after a complimentary one night stay at a radisson hotel. Gorgeous hotel though, but it's a bit sad to be at a hotel when you are all alone. Although I did have a wonderful mega spread breakfast buffet!! ( yay no more boring breakfasts at home) Walked around most of the time.... there was a wedding going on that day, saw the staff sprucing up the place, setting up flowers and the wedding gazebo, there was a even a carriage!!

So i did manage to catch a glimpse of the couple getting into the carriage before the ceremony. But once I saw the horse pulling it my heart sank, the poor creature of the clysdale variety most likely looked thin and unkempt, his/her mane was all tatty instead of neatly braided and looked as though he/ she was limping. It made me sad to look at the happy couple and the sad looking horse. I know the life of a working horse is a harsh one, but looking at the poor creature just ruined it for me. Can't help it!

Im finally glad to be going home, it's been waaay too long of journey.

2011-04-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

SO it's the end of term once more

Exams are done, ppl are leaving, I feel old and dated somehow, Ive been here for such a long time now. Its been good school year, not utterly fantastic, Ive meet so man new ppl, made new friends, moved around... In fact it has been one year since Ive moved out of that stinkin appartment and at least found a new crowd.
I wish I knew more ppl, had more friends, did better at school, had better grades and was just a more impressive person. Here it's like everyone is constantly trying to be the best, outdo each other, get the best paying jobs, the most prestigious.... All I want is to just get freaking job after I graduate and be done with it!

But I will worry abt that one year from now.

Right now, I at least have summer job and SIngapore to look forward to.

Wat you you talking 'bout?

2011-04-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

Throats hurt from an awesome night out yet again ( twice in a row? geez) karoked with mann and her sibs and andy till 11.30pm, passing on the cleaning-product smelling vodka and juice mix, or straight up whisky. I know it's probably reallly stupid to admit this but i think Im going to try and give up drinking as much as possible, ( not like i drink much any way) because I get a) red in the face b) feel sick c) get dizzy and puke d) feel like just going home and falling asleep - the only good parts of i will end up talking , A LOT and of course just get a bit tipsy.

So we were all there gathered in xy's living room, manni passed on the floor in recovery position lying next to a garbage bag, and us plonked on the couch, discussing various philosphical topics till 1am, at one point the roommate came up, wearing just a pair of bermuda shorts and asking what time we were leaving, ( mann asked if he was going swimming) Ohhh being the sober one...... Im glad mann's my friend, its jus sad that we didn't meet earlier, like maybe in first or second year, rather than now with the limited time we have left.
We talked about singapore and how we may have all been brain-washed by the singapore education system into believing certain accounts of national history, and some of us having little or no connection to sg other than friends or family, and why that is. Do we lack nationalistic pride? do we feel we have no stake in this country?
It felt like the first time in a long time, we could have such a collective discussion about our home country and what it means to us.

I hate to get soopy like this, and I probably have mentioned this too many times, the thing is that you can't talk abt this to Canadians, they don't understand you can't talk abt it to anyone but Singaporeans or ppl who have lived in Singapore and understand where you are coming from.
I will always have sg in my heart, and there are always issues with it, like freedom of assembly, political parties, death penalty, all seem very overdone and everyone knows about it , it's no huge secret to deny, there just seems to be little to be done about it.

Drink motherucker Drink motherrucker drink motherrucker DRINK!

2011-03-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh to an excellent, amazingly fun, awesome weeked!!!!!!!! I am SOOO glad I decided to go!!! I dob;t think Ive had this much fun in a while

So lets fast forward to driving to the hotel from the show.
h
Went in dylan and evin's car, once we stepped out of the car at the howard johnson we were greeted by an excited amarah poking her head out of the car window exclaiming " Yeah we can't check-in yet! it's all under Kaylee's ( club prez) name!" duly noted, we moved into the hotel with the convoy who had come in three cars and we formed a line in the lobby, apparently the gala was to be held in the hotel itself ( great idea really) so i was to room with kaylee and erica in room on thse 1st floor ( another smashing idea knowng the rowdy college student crowd) we had ajoining rooms with steph and sara wwho were rooming with the two boys.

Kaylee and Steph headed to the showers, erica got started on her make-up. By the time I was going to shower, there was apparently NO hot water left. I still felt I needed to a shower, the water wasn't too cold but still unbearable to take a long shower in.
So I just had a quick shower and changed into my dress.

Once everyone was ready- basically everyone was wearing short tight dresses, i was the only in a white and blue 50's style strapless dress at least I had killer heels and nice earrings. Since we had the surrender the Cup ( which we had won last yr) we all decided to take a drink from it!! literally. Steph had stocked up on champagne which was poured in and everyone took turns drinking from it ( with the song which are simply to rude to but here it involves words like horse penis suck and meanest) and the title (above)
Everyone took turns drinking from it... justgives a bit of an edge when we see the other team take home that trophy.

Turns out we were the earliest at the gala and took our seats at the back of the ballroom, i was actually really hungry at that point. But just drank some of the left over champagne and talked with the girls. The champagne was actually really good, though I drank it in sips but felt the FULL effect ( faceburning, tipsiness) THen had intense conversations about dating and marriage ( ok maybe im pretty naive but it made me realise again just how independent women today have become, we're no longer the ones fawning over the boys, we're the ones contemplating realationships and are actually really happy being on our own)
Another note to add, is that in the OUEA it's mostly girls very few boys. SO it felt like a real evening of women empowerment. Women leadership, after all this whole organization is run by all girls, save evin and a cuple of other guys. I never really realised it till now but this is a chance for women to lead, it makes me really happy.

Food was good, maybe cos I was hungry and went sligtly overboard wit the pilling of food, realising that there was probably no time to get seconds.

fastforward past awards ( we got a couple of placings ) but didnt win high point or anything. To the famed " Stallion Auction" aka all-male talent contest. Dylan did a song and played the guitar ( evin on piano) decent performance. Evin, who can SING did a parody of " party in the USA" to " riding in the OUEA" which was fricken hilarious!! I wish he would post the lyrics it was fun fun fun " yeah riding in the ouea!" is the only part in rmb. The other boys did try their best but there weren't as good as our stallions!! hehehehe about time someone horsified the boys!!!! i love how much innuendo our sport has.....

ALthough we didn't win any stallions ( we wanted to buy curtis, a guy from some other sch's team) we decided to challange everyone in the dance-off , apparently all the teams that had won their stallion have to perform a song.So we got our resident " mare" the one-girl-party Brittany to choreograph a quick dance for us! we chose black and yelwlow ( i had no idea what to dO) the plan was to grab all the boys and get them to dance with us!! it fricken worked!!!! and was sooooooooo fun and hilarious!!!

After that, things seemed to be slowing down, but the uw team still stayed on to party on the dancefloor, althoug the music was sucking as the deejays would just play damn beats which are impossible to dance to. Ppl started to trickle off.... but we stayed on to dance dance dance ( i needed to get my damn fill and i was completely sober now and couldpossibly go on all night)

Eventually we left to go hang out in the rooms for it ( party was picking up slowly as some decent songs were placing) we returned to the room were steph and sara we flat out on the bed, with britny with amarah. Me, evin, and erica, amanda who were the ones who had returned sat on the bed.Britney started doing accent impressions ( jamaican, australian english) and i tried to do a Singaporean accent which turned someone pointed out to sound south african according to someone.

I was still up for dancing as I was completely sober andNOT tired. So most of us save for sara and steph stayed back. We returned to the ballroom to continue dancing, by now the party had picked up a little and me and evin did " sweet caroline" together . The night ended with " journey" which of course everyone knows and was such a blast to finish off the night.

side note: next morning, woke up at 8.45 am, by kaylee going" does anyone want breakfast?" everyone( including the 3rd room which ended up going to bed late ) was out of the door by 9.10 am. I was thorughly impressed by these horse people.

2011-03-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

Ok I think I can post now, that I have calmed down a little

* calm self*

First- the landloard,

me ( summed up as) : If i tell you I want to renew the lease for next yr, right off the bat now, you can't just let the room be available for me?/ as in NOT show it to others !!!!

Landlord: " nothing has yet been finalized..... blah blah.... will take your request into consideration"

ERHHH what does that MEAN? !!! what nonsense is this? Am i missing the damn plot, as far as I know, i thought if tenant wishes to renew lease, that party informs landlord, landlord agrees to it and doesnt show room to anyone else and as current tenant wants to renew the lease !! does that make sense or is that not how it goes ( cos thats no the norm them someone please telll me)

So I should go looking for housing right? i dun want to be stranded homless in the falll term should my landlord ignore the request and throw me out on my ass

maybe's there's a shark in the water

2011-03-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

At home, bored, know I should be studying at this moment, reading chapter i-dunno-what-of either psych or chapter 9 of my labour relations text.... erghhh

* OH NEWSFLASH * Just made a fricken member of BOAR TRIBE!!!!!! hahahahahhah yayayayayyy

now not quite so upset

finally after waiting.....

Ok now I dont feel like angry/emotional posting anymore

Im too happy
dammit

Quote : Dance competitions may smell of hair spray, lip stick and powder, Horse shows smell leather, hay and horse shit

2011-03-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

Surviving on lack of sleep ( hence look like crap) and juggling multiple assignments, eg grp projects, mid terms, assignments, readings. I just want this term to end, and another part of me likes this excitment and bussiness

Anyway, here's how our waterloo ouea horse show went. Due to the shift in times, woke up at 4.41am ( really 5.41)steph was coming to pick me up to at 6 so i had to shift into high gear, meaning no shower or breakfast. Chugged on t-shirt and arts sweater under my black winter jacket and grabbed a scarf, lady bug hat and gloves before heading out the door.

Steph was obviously jacked up on coffee, she was highly energetic for 6am, we fetched another girl along the way and were on our way to the barn.

reached the barn when it was nearly light AND freezing, went into the barn and the viewing gallery to plonk down stuff, then kaylee briefed us volunteers on which horses we were assigned etc. I was assigned a strawberry roan mare called Grace, she was slightly chunky, but not overly large plus she was kind, sweet and quiet. Probably the issue I had was figuring out where the hell everything was, someone went to get me tack ( they had a tack locker room which was interesting) and found brushes and pronounced grooming and tacking up, as her class was going first and she was needed in the warm up arena.

The morning was spent walking in circles with a blanketed mare, and giving the riders pony rides, it ws fun talking to the competitors, 99% of which were from non-uw schools. Prizes would go to Trent who seemed the most " together" as in they seemed to emit the most school spirit and teamwork, everytime one rider came into the ring the team coach and at least one other member followed!

However, as the day progressed I started to get more and more tired, my plans of returning back at UW by 5 seemed to slowly driftig away. YEah five, no way. So emergency texted the grp posponing it to seven.

It was an exhausting exhausting day, split between, grooming, untacking, tacking, blanketing ( motherfucking blankets) unblanketing, walking. By 2 pm I was ready to sleep.

Weren't done till 5 and even then, thre was still sweeping, sorting and cleaning to do in the barn. And no, unfortunately i don't think UW going to win the cup again this year sadly...

Rushed home reeking of horse and rushed to school for the meeting, ending up 42 minutues late, but it was all in all a successful meeting.

This time change our hearts

2011-03-09T15:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, so maybe this comes a high from going to ash wednesday mass/ lentern season ( i mean the chapel is on campus DUH i have no excuse right?) But I just felt compelled to write this... moved by the holy spirit? maybe? Im not like one of those uber christians who go around praising god everywhere and to everyone.

But here we go..

Hi God,

Ive never been so public about this, but I feel like Im taking a risk by doing it and being so personal. First off, I love and will always have faith in you, I can't imagine a life without you, without you I would lost a huge chunk of who I am, everything I grew up with. I know some people don't understand what it's like to have faith in an entity that's not visible, is highly personal, and may be a social and mental construct? Yet, to be brutally honest and this I am sure I am not completely alone here, I have wondered about your existence? hell why am I worshipping something I cant see? isn't it the same as just talking to a wall ? how can I be sure if anyone is listening to me? isn't my belief in you something in my head? is praying just like wishing ? ( ok technically that part was from a psych of religion class) Won't it be sooo much easier to live a secular life? not have to follow all the rules? and not live according to mandated guidlines? it would be easy....
I meant I admit I have issues with some of the church's viewpoints, but at the end of the day is having my certain differing opinions going to be make a " bad" catholic/ christian? and that I should give up on God at all? I can;t do that, deep down I can never ever ever leave the catholic church. Who is to judge whether Im a good christian or not? not someone human i know. Ive realised now, I shouldn't just give up and not care so much abt my faith just because of differing opinions. I mean, i believe you could still be gay and christian ( oh no! oxymoron much?) Christianity is not perfect, and neither are we. Ive learned in University to think for myself, and I was opened to so many opinions and views, so different then what I was used to. I love being this open-minded about things. I know Ive changed a lot, but I don't ever want to lose my faith, though I know Im not the best or perfect example of a catholic, I don't go to church that often anymore, or confession or say the rosary much, or pray as much as I should, read the bible as often as I should. But what I want to do, and know I am capable of is to love, to not judge, to live a life god wants us to live. To be peaceful and grateful for what I have in my life, and to always try to remember my worth, cos God loves me.

I won't be overzealous and force religion on others,( i get annoyed sometimes when mormons approach me) they have their own beliefs for a reason, and it's up to the individual to chose. I know Im no fricken angel at all, am so imeperfect in so many ways, but hey I do try. Every single day.

Thanks for listening

And my heart told my head this time no

2011-02-15T06:52:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day was yesterday

It was the best one I ever had

Mainly because for the first time, I think i am over all the corporate/forced celebration of it. No it's not cos Im single and bitter.

Because I didn't cave in to the pressure of it, me and the other didn't celebrate it, and it was the most liberating feeling in the world, to not feel forced/pressured into something. And I didn't feel underloved,at all. It's wonderful to not feel obliged to follow a prescribed corporate holiday, when you want to, the best thing is to not, and instead make your own V-day.

Later on, I got a call from one of my best friends, he just called to say he loved me. That just put a mile-long smile on my face, when someone tells you they love you, it makes all the difference in the world. it doesn't matter if I don't have a ton of friends or a constant clique around me all the time ( i used to, but it kinda got fragmented) , Its better to have a few wonderful buddies who love you than a whole bunch who don't really care, or just pretend.

Yes I should get back to studying.... gawd I hate 7am mornings and sleeping at midnight.

WHo do you think you are?

2011-02-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Dear xx
You don't actually even deserve a mention, its been so many years and you rarely crop up in my mind, but when you do.... You are just a person from my past.Am I silly or sentimental for remembering you? But I think I can now finally erase some of that sentimentality. To make it seem like you never existed, it's not that I regret you, because I don't regret any of it, how would I have learned otherwise? How i came to love you i don't know. But after I thought abt it yesterday,it made me realise, if i could have faced you now, I would given you hell for all the things you said to me, yet at the time I didn't stand up for myself. I admit Im not totally perfect now, but at least I hope I am stronger than that. In fact the way you were with me makes me laugh now, how childish i was at the time, looking for a way to finally rebel and ending up paying the price. You did not break me, you changed me. and now you a nothing more than a distant memory..

If I saw you now, I would ask you if you were sorry abt what you did to me. I would hope you are, and that you apologise to me.

Vagina monologues Year 2

2011-01-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, I didn't quite feel as much magic as last year. I mean, maybe cos the novelty wore off a bit. This IS the second time round I am doing it, and by now I think i know this damn play inside out. I dont think I will be auditioning next year. Twice is enough.

Still, I think my acting was better this year, but it is easy to throw much emotion into the peice that I am doing. Just imagine and think about the indignation those women feel, what they went through.... will never even be aknowledged by the Japanese government, all th pain and hardship they endured. In silence. I have asked ppl " have you heard of the comfort women?" many have not. Not many ppl know of the atrocities carried out, the World War II sexual slaves all silenced all alone, the shame and dishonour they felt when it WAS Not even their fault. THey had done nothing wrong. So at the end portion of the monologue I just belted it.

It was fun again this year, some of the performances I felt were done better than last year. COochi was amazing, the best, best rendition I have ever seen. Cunt was not as good as last year, but good job to the two who did it this year. The flood was SOOO brilliant!! i normally don;t really like that monologue but the girl took it and made everyone think she was 65 and not 21!

Not as much magic I felt, but still wonderful wonderful performances.... major props to the girl who did the moans!! I would not be able to strip down to just black underwear and a bra on stage!!

I bet he's all she ever thinks about at night

2011-01-21T11:28:00.001-08:00

A few days ago : Im trying desperately to finish my essay for HR... Its at a point where, yeah I have little motivation to do it, along with the whole list of things I have to get done which is annoying / stressing me out as deadlines loom above my head saying " INEED TO GET READ Or I NEED TO BE COMPLETED... oh by YESTERDAY"

Fuck

Vag mons '11 is coming up soon, which I am excited for, and oh did I mention it is FUCKINGCOLD outside, I wish I wore something other than the freezing cold paper thin shrug and t-shirt under winter coat.

Rehersal for vm '11 is onsunday, which means I need to complete this 5 page paper by tmr latest ( fuck fuck fucK) though it probably CAN be done

TOday: Essay DONE!!!! well has to be, its due tmr... Rehersal went well!! compared with last yr, the rehersal went sooo much smoother, ppl knew their lines better, I messed up just a little bit but it was ok.
When the three women part went up, I was curious to see how this year's cast was taking it, at first i was like " whoah, they did a waaay more animated job than us, were we bad?" then the directors took over, Lauren at least who did this piece last year ( and jess) still had to give them LOADS of feedback. So now i don't feel soooo baa
I thought Hair was done well, the flood was amazing! workshop was far TOOO enthu and FAST, coochi was done brilliantly ; the actress did the best rendition of it I have ever seen... ANgry was different... it wasnt outwardly angry, more of a quietly sacrastic and pissed off kind of way. I would just want to see kierce do it. As for the moaner.... HOLY CRAP I will leave it at that.

I wishihadacariwishicoulddrivewuithmoreconfidence cos then dammit my horsey dreams would come true, rediscovered a DRESSAGE barn 20 minutes from school, coincidently owned by the ex chairman of the university now-governer-fucking-general of canada. They have horses for half lease... but I don't own a car or have money for it. So sad.

Teeth Sinking into Heart

2011-01-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

So maybe this should be a back-to-school post.... but, I feel compelled to write about something else.
I was reading a note written by an ex catechism classmate who is studying in melbourne pondering the fact that she may never permanantly return to Singapore.
I realise her note echoed many sentimemts that I do feel and have felt over time, and have not quite articulated in written form, I may have spoken about it briefly but..

Here it goe
Besides the obvious reasons of my immigration status there are other factors involved.

1. Horses- My all-consuming #1 passion, I know I can only truly and probably make this dream come true here. SIngapore is no place to really have a horse, I want my horse/s to have wide open spaces to run around, gorgeous hills ( Like Carole's bdf farm) Dont tell me to go to Malaysia. Plus it's more affordable here

2. Morals/ Values - Ok, wasnt sure how to title it.... You could say it's a result of my exposure to the so-called "westernised mindset" Westernised? what westernised? I am still in a mini-battle in my head over this one But I think I am firmly on one side at this point. It has to do with everything Ive learned here all the education/ courses I have taken. University is all about exposure and I have had all these windows thrown open to me and all these view points.
Well, not just that, I guess its the ppl I have been around, the friends I have made that have changed and molded me, and the experiences I have had that have made me a different, evolving, ever-changing person.

Especially the so-called "taboo" issues. Things like improper sex education in ( well I wasn't even really taught abt contraception) It's SO sex negative. Which is the opposite of what Ive learned here ( thanks SMF) Other issues such as GLBT, last term I was involved in a project, where the use of a simple word "non-heterosexual" really touched base and I can honestly say I because of that experience I can't tolerate it when someone goes on a tirade about how wrong " homosexuality is" PLEASE. I could go on all day, but i will stop here. Why is gay sex in SIngapore still illegal? Being gay is not wrong or diesease, I just feel sad for the young ppl who are taught that what they are feeling makes them scum or criminals by authority or friends.
Is me being sex-positive and a glbt suppporter too westernised? I don't think so

3.It's changed
SO Ive said how Ive changed and grown, living away from home etc. But yes the SIngapore I have once known, is just really this place that I visit only 1x or twice a year now. It is quite sad really thinking about it, but the stark truth is, IT IS THAT. In my absence it has evolved, I didn't expect it to stay dormant no. But it's become so radically different. SIngapore reminds me of a little girl who is trying too hard to impress someone, getting all fancied at dolled up to look like a " big girl" with all the fancy IRs, more skyscrapers, more malls, huge international events, ( dont get me started on the 30 YOG horses) WHen all I want to say is just STOP trying so hard to be everything!! you don't have anything to prove, you are BEAUTIFUL just the way you are. I mean even when i do get my canadian citizenship, I will always call myself a singaporean.Because that is what seventeen years of living there did to me( ok enough cheesiness)
The changes and new developments are great and all, but one ha to wonder, is this all a little too far?

4. The few things that might be keep me there are family and friends. If my family came over here, that would be wonderful. tbut I dont think it's possible. I have my friends but then again there is always the wonders of the internet, plus I have friends who are in other countries too.

The truth? I guess its called growing up, growing apart, ever-changing.
I remember in primary school when some classmates and I were forced to write some Lame NDP poem strangely i still recall a few lines

SIngapore is our homeland
We treasure it like gold
cos if we abandon it
It will surely go
something tells me, this homeland is getting on fine without me.

Oddly enough, I wonder if the Oh Canada will ever grab me the way the Majulah Singapurah does

On a Magic carpet ride

2010-12-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

Went Sledding with Kari, and her friend michelle, her boyfriend and brother.
So put on three pairs on pants ( snow pants, jeans and leggings) REALLY warm, whilst I was just wearing a t-shirt, sweater and winter coat on top.
the wind was kinda brutal with it blasting in our face, i could hardly keep my hood up and my snow hat kept falling over my face. Kari lent me her " magic carpet" just a plastic sheet that kept flapping in the damn wind.

It was a beautiful day outside, with the sky slightly overcast with the sun out, not completely or blinding. Trekking up the hillwas a a alight night mare, its like running in sand, only cold. Sledding was FUUUUUN!! you kind of just have to let yourself GO! i was worrying about crashing into something and the speed I was going swooooshing down the hill, my snow hat covering my eyes that I just closed my eyes and let myself SLIDE down the hill!!

The worst and most tirring part was trekking up the hill!! it was steep, the wind in your face, and the snow DEEP! by the time you reach the top you are exhausted!!!!
But it was a lovely lovely day, just marvelling at the vast countryside, I was happy to be living in the country.

Lets talk about SEX

2010-12-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

Did I get your attention?

lol

it's ok, don't be shy its perfectly ok, you pervs
nah its really ok

Sex ed in Singapore
Here are my 2 cents
now bare in mind some of you mind find this too liberal and in that case blame it on the 3 yrs i have spent been influenced by the west or some bullshit like that

DOes anyone rmb sex ed in singapore? yeah, the moe-sanctioned video where we were taught sex is bad bad bad and terrible, and anyone who has sex is a probably some poor girl with low-self-esteem who allows herself to be taken advantage of, oh and did i mention in a whore who gets STIs??
I mean at 14, that was the message i got, sex was the worse thing that could happen to you. Ok, im not saying that everyone shares that view, nor am I condonging that 14 yr old shuld be engaging in it. By all means if you are not ready, please don't.
Besdies if you are 14 it is against the law. ( side note- 16 is the legal age in Singapore)

The thing is, sex isn't neccesarily the worse thing, and what should be taught is the Importance of safe sex and contraceptives, not jus the facts but how to use it and the importance importance importance of safe sex practices. And also, how to obtain them, not just condoms but other methods of birth control, I mean at 14 I knew about them ( thanks sec 2 bio) but not really resources on how to obtain it, where is a safe place a teenage girl can go if we wants to start going on the pill? or get an iud? where?

Teach about the effects/ consequences of unprotected sex, I understand that singapore is never ever going to take a stance on okaying pre-marital sex, ( which in itself I find opporessive) yeah marital sex is the get-out-of-jail-free card. Sure you can mix religion into this, but do you really want to impose such things in secular singapore? I think not.

Its great to teach proper relationship-building skills, its ok to be in relatuonships, just for the right reasons, and for girls/ boys to be empowered to say NO if they choose to. But always it's their choice and they have a right to say no, should they choose to say yes , make sure it's legal, safe, both parties are consensual and knowldegable about the consequences. So no-one is feels forced into it. ive heard too many stories of girls being forced into it, eh-hem that means rape!!

Its all about proving accurate information so teenagers can make an informed decision about their sex life. Cos whether you like it or not, they WIll BANG.
ANother thing is judgement, if someone decides to have sex as a teenager, don't judge!!! its their decision/ business and not yours, however if someone is being taken advantage of then it's a different story.

Lastly, one thing that really pisses me off, is the teaching of homosexuality. Not going down the religious route, here is how I will go, before i strt my rant ( if i haven't already lost you) read this ( btw this section only applies if you are straight)
1. How did you come to terms with you heterosexuality?
2. What kind of experiences lead you to have feelings for the opposite sex?
3. How is you heterosexuality affecting your everyday life?
4. Do you friends or family support you heterosexuality?

in other words- Imagine a world where heterosexuality is NOT the norm, imagine a world where having a partner of the opposite sex was considered gross and offensive?
how does that make you feel? uncomfortable much? uneasy much?

tg that homesexuality is negative, bad, unatural and evil is not right!! I did a whole fricken project on this!!
DOn't discriminate or judge people based on their sexuality, it shouldn't matter. If it makes you uncomfortable fine, just don;t let it affect your view of them.
What scares me is this, if im a teengaer who is not too sure of my sexuality ( this happened a lot in IJ) and I keep getting the message that its wrong/ negative/ evil How the hell am i supposed to feel about myself?
how about christians? If im told god doesn't love me just cos I am gay, how does that make one feel? being gay is not a disease, it's not unnatural and it exists on a continuum
from 1-6. It's ok to have feelings for the opposite sex growing up, sexuality occurs on a contiuum.
If anything, it takes fricken courage, it takes courage to come out, which I admire. Don't berate, don't hate and don't judge, you couldpotentially fuck up a kid's life, also I have hope with my generation, we are probably the most accepting generation of them all. If we keep it like that there may be hope yet.

2010-12-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

And I find it very difficult to study now.... exams at the very end are NOT fun to study for....
Maybe cos its a) boring b) lack of motivation, and not in exam mode at all, like not much stress

Im not too upset abt not going home, I at least have a few things lined for me here. Cos the break is so short ( that's what i tell myself) hahaha no it's really ok. I will be free by next wednesday.

Its occured to me that all my posts have become very, non-diary-journal-like. For example, I don't recrod the musings of my everyday life. Do you want me to? cos I can!
Yes, like 2 days ago I went to the Farmer's market, yes in the winter! Acutally i really did, with my housemate. SHe had never been to St jacobs ( which is a bit of surprse after being here for 3 yrs) I love st jacobs, the bakery, cheeses, meats and the awesome awesome APPLE FRITTERS!!!!! sorry i don't photobomb

COs i didn't bring my camera

Tbe other stuff you might find border on gimmicky but still the food is good.If you come when it is warmer, usually you can get fresh fruits and veggies for delicious prices.
WHo says waterloo has nothing? Ive lived here for 2 yrs now and I love it here!! tell me to move to missisuaga and I will be sad ( though that might happen to me)

Ok, moving on, Riding post
- Actually i was supposed to go riding today but i fricken overslept, and my ride to the barn tried calling me but i was asleep
- Anyway.... Its alright
- what my last lesson was like = I rode jag, whome I have never ridden before, that animal has horrible ground manners, rude and bolshy and refuses to keep still
- I know 3 yr olds with better manners
- Anyway, we did jumping as usual this time I THINK i nailed it!!!
- i always have trouble optaining the perfect position over fences, i look like crap with my leg waaay to back, my body too far forward a my hands to far back
- But this time i think i got it with my instructor constantly yelling at me to " push your hands FORWARD!" and me forcing my legs forward for a sec and trying not to jump up so muc
- it felt good though, im getting so much morejump experience now im happy
- Its just been ages since ive had a proper dressage lesson and i miss it! Dressage is still my sport

End of term post?

2010-12-16T19:40:00.001-08:00

Another term goes by...

It gets colder,I get older

In some ways im glad

In some ways I know where I am headed, I have a clearer idea of things and one the other hand, i dont. Im still confused, but at least with a clearer idea of what I want and what I can acheive.
What i know is, I can make a difference.
just read my smf 208 post

it was an assignment, but hey i don't mind being reflective. Its a bunch of cheesiness but who doesn't love cheese right

" we're all people
We are part of the present, every one of us, whether we are old or young. This present world is our world too, and we don’t have to wait till later to make the change in our world, now. For me, this course was all about this, being as unoppressive as possible, unpacking our privilege in order to understand, and that empowering me to, through my experiences, change the world, whatever way I can.

All we have to do is to remove that oppressive lens; in order to be non-oppressive one has to be conscious of the privilege you carry. The privilege of knowing what gender you are, of being a heterosexual in a heterosexist society, of being white, being able-bodied.

2010-12-09T11:28:00.000-08:00

SO instead of going to Kari's ugly christmas sweater party...
I went to facilitate a Focus group

It was more fun than i expected, although there were only three kids who showed up. THough each representative of each age group , one 12 yr old, one 14 yr old and one 17 year old.

The 14 yr old couldn't stop talking, the other two, a boy named adam ( looked like a younger of my housemate)

Basically when i got them into discussion the 14 yr old won't shut up... and pretty much dominated the conversation. Good thing we had our training.... the two other two barely had chances to speak up...

One thing that left an impression on me was support. When i had to ask them " Who do youth talk to about their problems?" the obvious answers like friends and parents came up.. but when i asked what about " teachers" the question about teachers immediately got shut down, or school counsellers, they immediately gave me a quizzing look, and were like really? no?
let me get this straight, if you have an issue but can't talk to your parents about it, or your friends about it.... who do you turn to? religious/ faith group leaders? obviously not.

THen no-one? why arent there school counsellers who the kids can turn to if they have a problem? then again when i was 14 i looked upon the school counsellers as only for ppl with serious problems. I was thought i was never one of those kids with the issues. I probably wasn't.... but then again. You don't need to be crazy to see a counseller, if you have a problem/ issue/ something you can't move past. It's ok. That's what i have learned.

But seriously, this is a major issue, these kids NEED trusted adults they can talk to besides their parents! I mean family is great, but what those who can't? they fear judgement. SO if they can't turn to friends or family.... who can they turn to?

2010-12-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

Quick post before class!

I have noticed something WIERD about myself

I NEED someone to speak in a north-american/ canadian accent to me!!!
in ORDER for me to speak back to them in that language!!

How i discovered this

I had a meeting with someone who had a strong british accent (welsh)
lo and behold I felt my Singaporean accent coming back, its not strong, its a rather neutral/ slightly british twinged tone.
I no longer really held my canadian accent!!

2010-11-30T18:45:00.000-08:00

I almost can't believe and CAN believe it's end of term

November was nothing more than a mad rush to complete things and for the first time feeling completed exhausted and not bothering to catch up on readings for class. Cos I had ten thousand other peices of shit/3 projects to do

I have never had group work at UW but now. BOOm it's here

Well over actually, except for SMF

Which ended today, It was a very, eye-opening, influential, different, thought-provoking, moving, goose-bump giving class

Ive never had a class like this and don't this I will.

This term I haven;t
- gone to the gym enough
- Excercised enough
- DOne my readings well

I have!
- Done a lot of groupwork
- Did more DRIVING
- more riding

and I LOVEWHEREILIVE

Ok maybe my room is a little small, but my houseamtes are great, I like them, and I can do what the shit i want without being told off!!

It's been a great semester
Things I want for next term
1. Better grades
2. A JOB
3. pass my driving test
4. more friends

to be more happy, and pray more

Say it

2010-11-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

One of the MOST moving pieces of literature there is

Our stories only exist inside our heads
Inside our ravaged bodies
Inside a time and space of war
And emptiness
There is no paper trail
Nothing official on the books
Only conscience
Only this.

What we were promised:
That I would save my father if I went with them
That I would find a job
That I would serve the country
That they would kill me if I didnt go
That it was better there
What we found:
No mountains
No trees
No water
Yellow sand
A desert
A warehouse full of tears
Thousands of worried girls
My braid cut against my will
No time to wear panties
What weChange our names
Wear one piece dresses with
A button that opened easily
50 Japanese soldiers a day
Sometimes there would be a ship of them
Strange barbaric things
Do it even when we bleed
Do it young before we started bleeding
There were so many
Some wouldnt take off their clothes
Just took out their penis
So many men I couldnt walk
I couldnt stretch my legs
I couldnt bend
I couldnt .

What they did to us over and over:
Cursed
Spanked
Twisted
Tore bloody inside out
Sterilized
Drugged
Slapped
Punched

What we saw:
A girl drinking chemicals in the bathroom
A girl killed by a bomb
A girl beaten with a rifle over and over
A girl running head first into a wall
A girls malnourished body dumped in the river
To drown.
What we
What we werent allowed to do:
Wash ourselves
Move around
Go to the doctor
Use a condom
Run away
Keep my baby
Ask him to stop.
What we caught:
Malaria
Syphilis
Gonorrhea
Stillbirths
Tuberculosis
Heart disease
Nervous breakdowns
Hypochondria
What we were fed:
Rice
Miso soup
Turnip pickle
Rice
Miso Soup
Turnip Pickle
Rice Rice Rice

What we

Ruined
Tools
Infertile
Holes
Bloody
Meat
Exiled
Silenced
Alone
What we were left with:
Nothing
A shocked father who never recovered
And died.
No wages
Scars
Hatred of Men
No children
No house
A space where a uterus once was
Booze
Smoking
Guilt
Shame

What we got called:
Ianfu-Comfort Women
Shugyofu-Women Of Indecent Occupation
What we felt:
My chest still trembles

What got taken:
The springtime
My life
What we are:
74
79
84
93
Blind
Slow
Ready
Outside the Japanese Embassy every Wednesday
No longer afraid

What we want:
Now soon
Before were gone
And our stories leave this world,
Leave our heads
Japanese government
Say it
Please.
We are sorry, Comfort Women
Say it to me
We are sorry to me
We are sorry to me
To me
To me
To me
Say it.
Say sorry
Say we are sorry
Say Me
See Me
Say it
Sorry.
[Based on The Testimonies of The Comfort Women

If only

2010-11-22T09:13:00.001-08:00

Mother : If you were in Singapore we would get you a horse ( apparently yog horses are being given away for free)

Me: %&*(@#$^&* ewoiroiIHFARGHHH * you're only telling me this cos im not in SG, gordammit*

Then on second thoughts, all the horses are jumpers and I prefer Dressage.
* mind floats away on fantasty on parents and me preparing MY chosen horse for a show, all of us braiding and singing away happily *

If only

Will this ever end

2010-11-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

It;s 9.58 on a sunday night and I find myself yet again in the library... with a headache, and an itchy dry eye trying to study for my mid term tmr

Given up on studying for it....

I FEEL SO SWAMPED

I looked at my schedule for myself and I realised that i literally for have no free time on weekdays, none whatsoever, all my free time has been eaten up, well except for after 6pm on some nights.
It's either RA work or class.
How do i get myself here, i don't know.

Riding lesson- Thursday afternoons, now i don't want to sacrifice this, this is one time when i can get my fricken mind off work and on something else, where I can relax and do what i love, while thinking how much i suck at it, but hey I just love riding OKAY.
So URGhHED out

I need a holiday/ break/ vacation
soon

Yay 4 weeks till end of term.
I went one week without RA work... BESTWEEKEVER
that is how much i like my RA work

But that would mean i would need to look for (paid) work next term.

oh wells. Get through it in One piece, and happy.

Would you be mine

2010-11-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

Hello again friends ( or rather none)

STRESSED
it never fricken ends.... I dunno if it's cos this is 3rd yr or what but good gawd 3 grp projects?
really??

Whatever Keeps them more occupied I guess

Watched Never let me go this weekend

Depressingly beautiful stuff.... a poignant tale of love, loss, friendship, betrayal, and a haunting desinty that awaits them.
It is one of those OMG kind of books that makes my favourites list. Written in such a calm, quiet, serene way, but beautifully tragic.
I mean I know this book is purely fiction but it seems so believable one gets so emotionally cut up in this tale, you either watch the movie/ read the book feeling as though somewhere you know has died. It is heavy material.
It's science fictiony but disguised well. Think the Island ( minus the cliched hollywood blockbusterness) but set in a british boarding school mixed with the britishness stiffness/ setting of Atonement.
I think it is because the characters feel so real, you can sense thier raw emotion, their vulnerbility and their humanity. The words clones are never used, in fact you don't think them as anything other than ordinarily human and capable of feeling love just like everyone else . You notice that they don't seem to fight their fate, but merely accept their circumstances whilst silently fighting back tears. Actually the reader/ viewers are the ones fighting back tears!
Its the silent acceptance of their fate, that is so heart-wrenching. You feel such a deep wonton sense of injustice for them, as if this were real! but you have to remind yourself it's just great writing and fantastic acting.
This is one movie that lives up to the book in my opinion.
Two words, Beautifully tragic
leaves you gutted but in awe.

2010-10-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

DAMMIT

again i should not be here...

I have a midterm in 2 hrs and 45 minutues

I booked up the whoe afternoon to study for it

I wonder if that was really a wise choice given I have 3 other mid terms to worry out

FARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What can i say... i love university

I need to get out more.... i need to start running again or Taking the bus less

Or go for a fitness class

Or go riding

plus i have a pounding headache now

erghhh i want to do something fun... so far the only fun i get is driving lessons

ahahah

I miss horses

btw the above pic is of Laurentia Tan, a paralympic rider from singapore. You won't guess she has a disability would you?

jus looking at that makes me happy

I am Angry

2010-10-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Outrage

Rape

Anger

Sexual assault

Sadness

Violence

Disappointment

Oppression

Indignant

Gender Inequality

All the things I hold near and dear to my heart, in other words, what really angers me about this world.
I am at heart a d0-gooder. I oppose violence, i am anti-oppression, maybe especially toward my own gender.
I get angry when I hear stories of rape, or assault or abuse. How many of us know women or men around us who have suffered sexual abuse or assault at the hands of others. I am sure we know of at least two people.
I get angry that it still goes on, that girls and women all over the world have to go through this through no fault of their own. Then to have this experience scar them emotionally and physically. It is NOT fair. It is an OUTRAGE. Yes there is the issue of consent and the murkiness around it, but still.... it doesn't mean the hurt didn't go on, it doesn't mean injustice didn't occur.
We need to stop blaming the victim, no one asked for rape or assault. EVER. Is it right to say " boys will be boys and girls just have to be careful" what ever happened to self-control. Why do women have to exist in a world where we live by a rape schedule , we aren't advised to walk home alone at night, wear certain clothes. And the whole double standard when it comes to sex. You know all about that. So before you use the word slut or whore, think about it. What are you implying what are perpetrating.

Violence and abuse in relationships, how is that ever right ?? I was in a sort of an emotionally abusive relationship and I would not subject anyone to that kind of treatment, nor would i say that its really easy to get out of. Violence against women is never right. NOT. Ever. Maybe its cos I did the Vagina Monologues and changed me, but we eed to keep getting the message out, rape, assault or violence perpertrated against anyone is never right, it is unjust, and it just angers me.

Cos Im bored/ stressed/ sona-is-being-an -ass/ i just read steph's blog

2010-10-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

YEah

You got the introduction... Ah the subject of ethnicity and singapore and anti-oppression, and political correctedness and white people wanting to be that and me being bitchy/ irritated/ roll my eyes because of that.

First off... Yes I am anti-oppression and very strongly against violence

. In any way shape of formhowever what I am against is the annoying assumption that are put on about me concerning race. I know the intentions are all good and kind and political correct and smiley faces, rainbows and peace signs.

I GEDDIT

I now see the point, Asia doesn't really want to be rescued. I don;t speak for the whole of it.... nor am i degrading the amount of aid from the west that is pouring that. I thoroughly applaud what they are doing.

Or maybe I just don't want to rescued.

DOes not mean I am not proud of my race or who I am. I am a Singaporean, I am ethnically Chinese. My ancestors were from China, but I have no links/ ties to that country at all. China is not the " motherland" I don't think I have one!

Like my name for example. Please don't start going on an endless tirade about how im not honouring my race... PLEASE. There is more to being chinese than speaking it. Just because a white person can speak Mandarin does that make him Chinese ?

On my UW Id it say " hui yi Chan" Fine whatever... it's supposed to be Carolyn Chan Hui Yi. English AND chinese name. I GREW UP in an english speaking home. My father does not speak it, my mum does, my maternal grand parents don't speak it, you know why ? cos it was in an era where singapore was part of malaysia and so on... doesn't make them any less chinese does it? ( btw i am peranakan too which is a great part of my heritege but thats another story)

Someone once said to me, Oh why do you use Carolyn and not your chinese name ? Why did you make up the name Carolyn? did you pick it as your english name you poor ESL kid ? why are you not honouring your CHINESENESS ( ok that esl part was made up)

because Carolyn is my first name DUH!! when i meet ppl i don't say " hui yi" yes it is my name but its not my first name.

IS that not oppression in itself ... the freedom to want to call myself by whatever name i want. Maybe

2010-09-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ok... deep breaths
I was freaking out in the earlier post. Just in a very GAAAHHH mood. I do that sometimes, and i write to blow off steam.

YEs, just stress

Needed to destress so went for dinner with the boyfriend.

Im calmer now and not as irrational as I was earlier.

i take back some of the things i said

Im not as stressed out anymore.
Just thought I should clarify.... Im not normally this neurotic, it's just this is a forum where I think i can express myself, and be as crazily unhinged as i want to be, and let all my insecureness out. Hey, everyone has issues, its just we conceal them and present ourselves to the world.

I will never be the same if we ever met again, then say you're sorry if we did

2010-09-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Procrastination again

Fucking mid terms, going crazy, what the fuck do i do with my life???
when faced with the question " where will you be 10 yrs from now?" where will you be???

I want to say I DON'T KNOW!!! How can i predict such a thing? now don't call non-ambitious, don't say I have no path or direction in my life. Cos i do, I know where Im headed, but hell five years ago I thought I was never going to make to uni, i was nearly sixteen years old.... worrying about what i freak i Was, stressing about boys, school, exams, O levels, watching my friends in my year do O levels. Actually some of the same shit i was worrying about now, schoolwork ( yeah uni is tough)
Being a complete disaster at things, is a mental framework I have had for a very long time. I know I should try to get rid of it, but good gawd it just goes round and round in my head doesn't stop.

Ive kind of learned now I am not a disaster, i am good at things. I just need to discover them. Ok, back to what I should be doing...
when i was 17 i wanted to go into the hospitality industry, I don't anymore

- Two things now
a) I can't be a psychologist without a bloody phD, and i don't feel like i need/ want one
b) Don't even know if i can get to grad school with my kind of marks
c) I WILL NOT GRADUATE WITH AN HONOURS DEGREE
d) I WILL OONLY GRADUATE WITH A BACHELORS
e) DOes it make me less of a person?

Yet part of me still feels like I want to help people. Yet i don't have the marks for it, yeah it is easy to say " work harder" i know I should. I know i should not be lazy and just push through.
Help people. so generic so common.

Its either become a therapist or go in Human Resources, to eventually become an HR Manager. Is that where i will be in 10 yrs? you can answer that.
I know you say... " u need direction" u need guidance, you need to plan If you don't you will fail.
all true.
thats what im thinking, i can't do anything, these things just on and on. I can't rest them.
Gawd, no one ever said it was going to be easy. Im not the damn best. Although I try my best not to be klutz, I live 2000 miles from where i was born, i have lost my core group of uw friends, made more, had 2 bfs, need to figure out what i really want out of this damn life, yet i want to keep my options open.
I want to be sure, have no more black and white, i want it all and i want it now. - and i will be late for class

TeaImm Tryouts and Internet

2010-09-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

This is why I should have done it in first year

At that time, me making the team REAL possibility. I did my best though...
I was riding jake, so he was the last horse I had ridden, fingers crossed hoping it all goes well..... Wait i have to do lead changes??? We don't have to do this in JUMPER!
The course was at least simple enough for me not to get confused on. Plus there was a flat component where as simple change was required. HEre is how it went on Jake..

First, forgot the first portion was in sitting, rose for a couple of strides. Then got him into canter, easy. Then he goes into trot and i completely fuck up the simple change= non-existant. why? cos he WAS NOT EVEN CANTERING to begin the diagonal line. Got him to canter at the next corner and headed for the first jump. Only this is, thispony kept on breaking into trot.. it was very uneven. So i probably looked like crap out there. Very not what i was going for. At least my position over fences was good. It was only after I was done that i realised i forgot the closing circle or whatever it is they do in hunter.

Next I was up on a slim version of Laurie called Chloe. Also abt laurie's size, just skinnier with no big neck. SHe was relatively easy to push forward, and i did a BEAUTIFUL simple change!! however, her jump was odd... it was either that or i was taking off way too soon. I kept getting left behind at every FENCE!! terrible. It was all good except for that. And my lead changes were all wrong... bloody hunter, why cant it be SIMPLE and just be JUMPER? like the rest of the world outside north america?
I was glad to be able to ride though. At windamere, which i am familiar with.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn thats alright because I love the way it hurts

2010-09-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Back in Canada

Spent the first week being utterly stuffed up sick and hauling my ass down to AL every morning for orientation week. Combination of slightly insanity, exhaustion and I get a slight feeling of whats it is like to be a squatter. Sleeping in wherever.

Now classes restarted, i know i am not in SIngapore as... a) Im cooking again
b) I can make a mess and no one gives me crap
c) im taking public transport again
d) There is a sudden shift in values
e) I can watching be out at 1am and no ones gives a hoot
f) Im wearing the same thing for 3 days straight

It was different from last year.... Probably the same amount of work, but I was just more TIRED, blame it on being deaf in one ear, my nose running like waterfall and at times no voice.

It was fun in different ways, monte carlo was not thaaat fun, i had set up which was just carrying things around. But it was an awesome friday night.

Now that classes have started.... I realize that well, i just cannot acheive somethings, hsmith basically told me Im screwed in some areas and i know myself well enough where i stand. Is this just a self fulfilling prophecy?
damn it i just want to graduate with a bachelors degree. Honours or no honours, does it make me less of a person?

The truth ( part II)

2010-08-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

Each time, it changes, or rather gets enhanced. I understand now I was the scapegoat the one targeted and blamed. It is NOT fair, Im over getting pissed off about just because it was a while ago. It must have been so easy, with me being the easy-going, agreeable type who can be " dominated over" It's not OK to make someone feel shitty every time they come home, to feel like even their mere prescence is an annoyance. Yeah sure you can say that " oh you felt that way yourself..." but there has to be reason behind it all. I had to go to counselling services, it was that badd, i couldnt speak to anyone because everyone d idnt want to take sides. I was bullied- again.

She was my good friend, I adored the time we spent together and how close we grew. I thought it would last a long time. Unfortunately not.... people change, not neccessarily for the best. I thought thigs would return to normal after i left, but it didm't. In fact, things got worse! Im just disappointed and saddeed by the way things panned out. It may have bee great for you, but it was not for me. You cannot get away with being so dominant, having double standards ad thinking you are right all the time. I honestly hate writing this and it pains me but it is true. I wish i could get the old friend I knew back.... but i know it is too late ad maybe you were already like that... and we were just too blind to see it.
Living with ppl ruined some of my relationships, but allowed me to find some that i really could take with me. ( tammy)
Maybe we gave V too hard of a time..... we did't see it through her eyes, maybe she used to be the scapegoat, granted what she did was wrong but i can only imagine what it must have been like.

First and Last

2010-08-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

So i expected to be riding Hunter today, got there early, tacked him up blah blah

Then got into the ring and he stopped, stretched out as if he had to pee. So i waited... and waited... okkk a horse straining to pee... not a good thing. So i didnt ride him.. instead i took jake.
YES it is times like these that i think GOD syces/ grooms would come in handy RIGHT NOW!!! i can imagine, aziz or someone sauntering down in rubber slippers to tack up the other horse. But no, this is NORTH AMERICA. No such thing one.

So somehow managed to untack hunter, despite there being 3 other horses crowding up the aisles.

Then got on Jake for a private lesson. So i worked on getting my heels down, sinking the weight to my heels. Jake is super nice and a trooper so he did everything i asked of him. We did some cantering and trotting standing in stirrups, and i have to say i think my balance has IMPROVED!! a bit at least..

After then in the canter, laura had me working on getting a light seat in the canter, sort of like standin a bit in three point but more straight and upwards. I think i almost got the hang of it... sor of... SEE I am learning the north-american hunter style!!! yaay!!!!!

We then did some jumps, andd i think i nearly nailed waiting for the jump!!!! progress!!! sit, sit and wait... try not to swing leg back too much, push legs forwards instead, lean forwards, push butt back. We did the jumps in canter and in trot, really GOOD LESSON!!!! im happy my last lesson turned out to be such a useful good one!! i learned so much in one lesson, ahh regular lessons....

Hunter! i will be back next time, HE better jump!!

2010-07-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

I apologise for the absence.... been busy/ not felt like writing

WELL END Of term is upon us... i am not going to say " that was fast" because that is what i say ALL the freaking time, every term like it is something new... it's not.

Ive had an AMAZING term, i got a paying job, i made new friends ( thanks curry-up) worked things out with some of old friends ( some) completed physio and org psych. LOVED living a 2 minute walk from campus, too bad that has to end. had RIDING LESSONS again.

Other things that happened....
This has GOT to be one of the most dramatic terms ever ( strangely it's not even a term when many are around)
1. Football steroid scandal
2. CASA disbanded
3. David Johnston becomes Governer general
4. Oh and apparently a convicted murderess is coming to start engineering in the fall ( INTERESTING)
5. The queen visited RIM

Ive had a good term, im a little apprehensive abt moving in with randoms, but will try not to worry too much about it.....

I don't think i miss singapore that much..... well at least now

Coming Full Circle with Albert Street

2010-07-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's the happy ending to story, the " happily ever after" well maybe im getting too far ahead and exaggerating but...

My bed is gone, i sold it for $250. Best of all, it's gone to a good home, where i hope it shall be used for a long time, and cherished for years. It deserves that, not just for some studeInt like me who is constantly moving. But permanance. It went to a sweet mennonite couple. * heart warms*

Now the room is similar to what I got back in september '09. Not even a year but yet it feels like an entire decade has based. Back when i had no idea what i was heading into, but yet wasa giddy with girlish excitement with getting our own place antd finally living out on our own, the adventure and happiness we would have for maybe the next few years? So young, so unknowing like heading headfirst into long dark tunnel.

The weeks and months go by, things aren't turning out the way they should be. People aren't as easy to get along with as I thought. Suddenly it seems like im the one always at fault, im the one who is being uncooperative, who is " terrible" housemate. Life falls apart, i get blamed for absolutely everything. ive started on this long dark spiral downwards, this is not working. Why am I always so upset? why do i wake up and cry? and i can't talk to anyone abt this?
So i try to deal with it, go to counselling, make new friends, but i know the only way is if i take the big leap of faith and leave.

I don't leave until 7 months later. It's all i can handle, i move out quietly. Packing my things and moving to a new location, nearer school. Not much is said, I do not know if i will be missed, but I hope I will find happiness.
c
Now returning about nearly 3 months after moving out...... Ive come full circle. At first, when i first left it was awkward and I left literally leaving much behind ( including feelings) and then quietly coming back and each time each knawing feeling in my stomach leaving as i slowly sell off the furniture. Then now, returning today, I feel ra huge sense of relief, a burden lifted off my shoulder, a storm cloud over my head finally gone. Iv reached the happy ending. To top it all off, I talk to tammy who tells me, that even I have left, things aren't all golden, people are fighting, there are disagreements. Im not the bad guy, maybe I never was.......

which brings me to the subletter- getting a bit miffed here, I liked her. Yeah sure her friends came over, she was DIFFERENT from you. Everyone is different, she was not rude or nasty to anyone... People, you have to stop being immature abt others and learn to accept thosye who may have different ways from you. So high school.... I thnk i got over that years ago.....

But the overall feeling I got, with tammy and justine is that I was FINALLY at last comfortable in the apartment. I was back at the start. It had taken me so long to finally get there again. I had to hate so much, then leave, then slowly return to find it. No longer a naive girlish excittement, but a deep warm gush of satisfaction, a smile on my face, the feeling of having weathered a storm and survived it, and knowing that only by going through this hellish journey would I get to where I am now. By finally moving out, and by finally coming back and facing it I have come full circle. It's my purple summer, it's where I will eventually end up.

the way you move it ain't fair you know

2010-07-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

Got the song Hey soul sister stuck in head from it blasting at least 3 times in xian's car today. But had an AWESOME day!!!!

Laurel creek is beautiful with grassy trails, and the sky a cloudless periwinkle blue above as we cascaded across. There was nine of us, plus one dog. two girls and 7 guys, 1 singaporean, one canadian, 4 malaysians, 2 japanese and a german The dog was one of those small fluffy dogs, but was friendly and super energetic!!! definetley more lively than keegan who would have dead really quickly.

Everytime we were on the grassy trails i could imagine cantering madly down them, hearing nothing but the wind swooshing behind you and feeling the power beneath you and you cling onto your horses' neck trying hard not to scream but enjoy the ride.

Ok back to laurel creek.... then walked back to the picnic site and set up a lunch of tuna sandwhiches with egg salad, zuccinis and tomatoes. For dessert we dined upon cherries, grapes and bananas.

By now, the grounds where filling up with families setting up tents, chairs, mats and umbrellas, also the canoes were all gone. After registring at the offie ce, we were told to wait for an hr as all th canoes were out. So i rolled out the beach mat while the boys played frisbee on the grass.

Later xian and huei joined me on the mats. Xian kept asking me to teach him how to 3 do a forward roll which i demonstrated ( even though i hadn;t done it in a while)

Finally we got to go canoeing on the lake. As there were only 2 seats on the canoe, I sat in the middle. It was really really easy, with zero wind, i barely had to paddle, the thre eof us ( xian, will and me) just ended up floating around on the lake. The sun was out but not too sunny.

Uponthe return, the three of us laid out on the mat again and relaxed while the others went out canoeing.

What i did the last few days....
Ive had a good few days, and been in good spirits. Enjoyed the company of so many wonderful friends.
Canada Day- It probably was not a terribly good idea to do this on just 4 hrs of sleep ( previous night) But with fucking aching arms fro.m the intense workout the previous day, i dragged myself out of bed and walked to columbia lake, making it in time for the 12 noon shift. I was to work in concessions with two other girls ( i at first thought they were maybe first or secondyears, but they were in fricken high school) I have to say, my curry-up job for the first time was of USE!!! I had to work cash and BOY was it a SLAM. I don't want to explain another burger combo again. Plus we used old mac computers, they took HOURS to set up ( they were set up by an IT person who resembled santa claus, without the jolliness though) I felt kinda bad having to turn people away, cos we took like 1/2 an hr to set up all the damn tills and get them ALL to work.

I worked for 4 1/2 hrs straight!!!! the two high schoolers just took off once their replacements turned up. I was fricken hungry as volunteers are not allowed to eat until their shifts are over. Frustrated and hungry i had to serve customers still...

FINALLY ended my shift and got to eat two FREE hot dogs and h wie a drink, then met up with xian, lim and ian to watch the uw accapella grp, a kung fu demonstration, and UW hip hop perform. After that, headed home to change out of my jeans ( my legs were overheating) into shorts and then bus over to michele's to get my bag.

Michele is awesome, we spent 2hrs playing with her cat and talking. Maybe i should have considered taking that " village on the green" townhouse, i would be near to ALL my curry up co-workers!!!!
Then left, and hurried down to columbia for the fireworks, I HAVE HONESTLY NEVER SEEN SOOOOO MANY PEOPLE GATHERED IN KW before ( there are that many ppl that live here??) Fireworks were beautiful against the clear, velvety sky. Watched the fireworks with huei, logen, xian and his friend.

the day before
Damn fitnenss class was intense, the instructor was a skinny brunette who insisted on KICeKING OUR ASSES, well in weights anyway. I have NEVER been challanged sooo much with weights, ever in my life, (they were five and eight pound ones) Yes even water buckets were not soo intense!!! Then rushed home and realised to my dismay that i had stupidly locked myself out of the house and had to wait a whole 1/2 hr to get back in.

Once i got back home, i showered, dressed and left quickly. I was to meet michele at her place to go to the bomber. I met her roommate ( a more exaggerated, and pushed up version of herving self) but an awesome girl. Then we headed over to some guy's place at CLV before taxiing in to SLC, ( which i call my personal living room) hell i spend TOO much time there. The lines were INTENSE, but being feds staff ( hell yeah!!) we got in through the side entrance, bypassing the line and getting carded. The place was PACKED , this was my first time out drinking the WHOLE term. The patio was often so me, michele and her roommate went to sit outside, where we met a regular customer of ours who immediately started cosying up to michele ( even though she said she was rebounding after a break-up with on-again, off-again boyfriend) and her roommate, i took no part in this and just danced around, drank a bit and chatted with ppl. Michele lost her phone in the end and we went ehome at 3am. I was soo tired but glad i got a lift home. Walked into my room and then heard a noise.. CRAP i forgot Shiue lin had stayed the night!!

2010-06-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

Things accomplished so far
1. Went to rodeo!!!!!!!! yeahh I am inspired to learn western now!!! there is something very inherently sexy about guys in cowboy hats, shirts and jeans and cowboy boots.. oh a HORSE would be good too....

2. Got my g-1!! bit of an adventure, findin the ottawa street place and then goin to fairviewe then booking a driving lesson, then comin home

3. Started riding lessons again

4. Going to start research work again

YAY!!

things i have realised-
PArtying/ clubbing - Ive always had a wierd relationship with this.... i guess it is something you do when single, but hell im not! There was a time when i thought not going out or doin something or a weekend meant that i wasn't doing shit ( wasting my life) but i realise it is not. Just because im not out clubbing or partying it up doesnt mean im not living im wastint anything. The whole college partying/ drinking thing seems a little juvenile now, i know im say in this probably prematurely, i mean im barely 3rd yr. It's just, IT IS NO BIG DEAL. I thought seeing two girls make out was a HUGE deal... ( it's not...) i think it is overexposure, seeing 2 girls make out 3 times in a row one night, then the entire grp having a making-out orgy kinda wierds you out ( alas i digress) As for drinking, damn your cells being unable to break down alcohol.....Clubbing- if the music sucks, you are done for, you might as well go home. As for meeting guys.... im ill-equipped to advise, but chances are, you are just booty for the night. Ladies, enjoy the free drink, the dance, feel special for the night.... maybe a kiss or two, just try not to expect anything more. .
Maybe its the ppl i hang out with now, they don't really club/ party, so why should i?
Realistically- back home, am i the kind who would go out and party on weekends at zouk? ( never even been to the place) UM NO!!

there you go

it;s pure social group.

Riding post!!!

2010-06-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, i REALLY should be studying for the mid term tmr ( i have 3 hrs between class tmr!!!!)

Ok, riding lesson...
I think i've been put on beginner's ponies....

either way

I got assigned a chestunt and white pinto called Buttercup ( how much more school pony do u get? i feel the cringe)
So anyway, she was super easy to tack and up and groom. Then got on her, I was told she was very forward, not so... quite managable.
We did trotwork, no circles or diagonals though ( maybe not yet) I ndon't know. It got me thinking that this was like mid level while riding at RL is like equestrian boot camp * images Catherine going " QUIET HANDS!! Sit up!! " and cantering around in circles. But i do thinthat all the yelling, and plus seat and hands quiet stuff didnd work. I find myself really trying not to rely on the reins so much, but more on seat and legs. Although i have a major blister on my heel from those new leather boots which kind of did not help with using my lower leg today AS much as i should have.

I was also riding with super short stirrups, when we did canter work, I was pre-warned about a tendency to turn and CRAP buttercup went SCHOOL PONY on me. Which meant trying her best to turn in towards the centre, so i got unseated, had to get my shit together and work with her to just get her canter one damned round without her trying to run to the middle of the ring. Remember- be 10 steps ahead of a horses tricks if YOU know are going to pull something in that corner at H.

We did a little x cross rail at the end of the lesson too. I actually got to learn the Hunt seat position!! No rising up over and out of the saddle, just lean forward, and aI had to remember to release my hands, other than that, it seemed like a whole new approach to jumping! I really want to improve my jump!!! Just need more practice.

Honestly, lookin back on it now,im just so grateful for the chance to work at BDF, it was one of the mOST awesome, amazing, confidence-building times of my life. I was no longer just a lesson kid, i GOT to start a young horse, i GOT to work with a driver short-listed for the World equestrian games in combined driving!! I GOT to ride for free for 6 weeks!!

I may not be the best rider or horseperosn in the world, but I know where I stand, and how farr ive come. I have further to go, but i am happy.

RIDING LESSON

2010-06-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

My gosh

I haven't done this for a while.

Riding post!!

I had my first lesson since coming to UW. The barn seemed nice, clean and tidy with a large indoor sand arena. There was plenty of fenced turnout ( which I like) and bright and clean stalls. Our instructor was a plump friendly blonde girl called Lauren. ( she reminded me a slighter larger, blonde and Ontario version of Melanie) I was to rie a cute pinto pony called Jack. Lauren showed me to the tackroom, a rectangular space which connected two barns.

The bridles were hung on gold hooks with the girths above it. Saddles, all individually numbered were covered with saddle pads placed on top. A calico cat lay sleeping on a nearby hay bale. After picking out the tack, i went outside to groom. First, feet picking, he picked his feet up easily without a fuss, he was REALLY quiet, probably a kid/ beginner's horse. Tack was easy, then we went off into the arena to mount up.

I was wearing my new boots so it felt a little awkward like there was now an extra layer to my shoes, as compared with my other rubber boots, felt a little stiff. Getting back into the saddle, literally. Jack moved off easily and we fell into line. I decided i should try to stay aware of my riding position, that my reins followed my arms, i was sitting up and not leaning forward, my feet turned in. Started at a walk, then onto rising trot. I kept bumping into jonathan' horse, so was told to make circle, which jack ( bein the school pony he was) tried his best to resist and protest.
Onto sitting, trot- remember sit back, sit deep, push weight into heels. This pony was on auto trot, i had to do nothing.

We then moved on to cantering. I was told by lauren that i would probably need to push a lot suwith the leg....So i expected that, to my surprise, i gave the signal and off he went!! i didnt even have to try!!
Then when we went again, he tried to resist, and i realised that yeah he does leg.
et
When the lessons was over, there was a slight confusion about wherae to go to keep my pony, what the barn did etc ( each place is different) A teenage girl, who looked no old er than 14 eyed me suspiciously as i put jack in cross ties " Do you kno w how to ride? " she asked. SLightly taken aback i replied " yeah, I just haven't taken regular lessons for a while" she pouted slightly before asking again " How long have you ridden for? " Of which i wanted to reply " I started when you probably an infant" but instead smiled and said " Well, several years, i started in 2000 but haven't had regular lessons for the last three years"

It felt so awesome to be back in the saddle, of course, i wasn't working overly hard ( like RL tends to do) this was mid-level, i was still working hard but not too hard.

What I want out of this
1. JUMPING experience- I have a shitty forward seat over jumps and i know it, i am nothing next to the hunt-seat babes they have scattered across all the hunter barns all over north america

2. Perhaps try out for the OUEA team next yr?? Now that they won this year... i probably do not stand a chance

Side note- Dammit i wish OUEA had Dressage, I would SOOOO DO IT
t'
- Not jumping a lot in lessons kind of forced me into Dressage. But I do love it. It's far from boring.

At the end of the lesson lauren suggested I try riding another horse next week, I agreed. This means something - I do not claim to a terribly great rider, but i think i was the best of the three! maybe cos i have the most experience. Oh wells. I am happy

Horses make me Happy
the end

Reason # 257 why I should not return to Singapore

2010-05-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

Read this:
www.straitstimes.com/STForum/story/STIStory_531394.html ( including the comments) and this www.straitstimes.com/STFORUM/story/STIstory_528911.html
When i first read this, i kind of laughed and agreed slightly ( at the back of my head going " geez don't they know women ARE SUPPOSED to marry and have a family?, before realising that it was just my socialization into a culture that thought that way, that gave me that immediate reaction)
Is it just me or does this sound a tad bit unfair and a step backward for the whole annwomen's liberation/ movement thing? Firstly i thought feaminism was a good thing? I didn't say VAGINA more than five times or yell CUNT on stage last year FOR nothing... ok I do psun't expect everyone to do that but...

Well i suppose a lot of things can only be explained in a Singapore type of context. Like NS or whatnot. I mean, I would do NS, if i had to and won't complain. After all, even in Malaysia woen do it too.

I admit, the article is true in some ways, I am no way saying that marriage and motherhood is neccessarily negative. It can be wonderful, for the women who CHOSE to do it. I myself would want marriage and kids. But sacrificing a career? im not sure. Ok so maybe i don't get it cos im young, still in school, haven't really seen the "real" world yet. Maybe then i'll learn
b
Completely contradictory to what i've been brought up with. I attended an all-girls schools. Im glad I did, it was there that i really learned GIRLS could do what THEY WANTED. GENDER did not stand in the way of anything. ( IJ Had a kick-ass robotics team, future women engineers !!)
Im not saying career women are at all bad. My mum chose to give up her job to raise us and I appreciate the sacrifice she made. I admire all housewives, housewifery is not a dirty word, neither IS GENDER EQUALITY.

In fact, actually more men should be stepping up to parenting. They too are part of the package.
What's wrong with women having high standards when it comes to men? It says a lot about snelf-esteem and confidence. And also.... blaming those women who are with abusive men,saying it is THEIR FAULT all i can say is STFU, you are NOT in their shoes so don't JUDGE. Sometimes women don't have the support they need to leave... they fear for their or their children's lives.
Isn't trying to end domestic violence ( directed toward women or men or children) a good thing?

What is wrong dvancing the rights of women? is feminism that controversial? For me, I don't think so.

The late night post

2010-05-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's been half a week of scrambling to fucking find some housing for fall term. I realise my tstandards have been lowered i don't care as much as i used to. Yes i would love to life close to campus but at this point that doesn't seem like a possibility.

Darn must-apply-only in groups policies.. damn NOT just putting down a deposit on WCRI.. I just did things with the advise from people and it just ends up biting me in the arse.

What i am/ was worried over

1. Housing
2. Quiz for tmr... im probably not going to do great anyway no matter how much i study ( i hear u saying don't think like that!! but hey im jus preparing myself )
3. The wish and WANT to excel and get GOOD GRADES, lets face it im no A student, not by a longshot
4. Figuring out what i really want out of a career ade
5. Gosh i wish i had more friends, I really wish i had a great bestfriend i could talk to and depend on HERE in waterloo ( i know i have you andy.....)
6. How i kind of lost a CORE group of friends.... i know i lost them a long time ago, with things slowly disintergrating before my eyes and me not really wanting to care or do anything abt it ( but then again they didn't either)

I wish i was more social, a better student, dammit the bottom line is i just fucking want people to like me. I know i cant get everyone to do that.
I;ve had to handle rough shit from people 4 times in my lifer
a) ten yrs old, one teacher wacks me in private for being a slow learner in music class, another calls me names for being terrible in math class ( this is NOT the 60s this is iin 200o!)
b) 16 yrs old- Another strange falling out with a grp of people, but then i nevth er really felt alal that connected, i was soo kwai at that time
c) 18 yrs old- manipulative and emotionally abusive ex bf ( i say it now in hindsight) though he i WAS the 1st guy i ever fell in with. I was honestly not the same person after. I did things that were totally out of character, never AGAIN (i hope)
d) 20 yrs old- I made a bunch of amazing friends in residence, i finally felt i belonged somewhereo, i FIT IN. I felt so loved. Move out off campus with them, things changed. We never talked things fell apart, its lying in a dusty unopened cabinet now a pandora's box of conversations that never happened.

Ok, im stopping now, this is too sad.... Its just i recently opened up to other ppl about this and i feel i need to express it in written word... somewhat

ive had rough times throughout my at

2010-05-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Adventure in unexpected places....

Went to a police/ bike auction this weekend, got woken up by the bf at 5.30am. Due to an overestimation of time we ended up shivering on a roadside in brampton for 1 hr, the trueismeaning of CHILLING. Then we walked down a gravel road into this old industrial building/ warehouse which was filled with tables of antiques, hardware, silver, lawgnmowers and the row of BIKES. He found this grey-ish green racing bike. It was slightly rusted, looked slighted dated but still useable. We hung around for an hour and my slight irritation and annoyedness with the situation dissipated over time. It was a really unique new experience.

Xia yu got the bike! for only $30. He was grinning from ear to ear when he got it, like a small boyappy at christmas, i would probably be that happy if i someday got me own horse.... ( no more happy)

We went home to drop off the bike... then headed out to squareone. After booking the 6.40pm movie we went off to walk around before heading for a DELICIOUS steak dinner at Jack Astors. Iron man 2, was fab entertainment. Ok, so the storyline wasnt as starong as the first one. But hells yeah Tony Stark is the COOL millionaire playboy, and the special effects.... COOLNESS

On sunday, I GOT MEINEN RIDING BOOTS, Breeches and chaps for $140!!!!!!11 can you say FUCKING CHEAP???

ohh yeahh

the best bit of this weekend? im gonna sound really cheesy but.... i spend it with that special boy.
s
Question/ story suggestion- Can a smart, classy, educated chinese * u could say singaporean* woman marry an ang moh and not be considered an SPG in this day and age?

She's baaaack

2010-05-09T15:15:00.001-07:00

SOrry about the LOOOONG haitus

But the girl is back.

Did not really feel like blogging when i w as back in singapore. So didn't for about 2 weeks, and im only just starting again. Summer term is more crowded than i expected. Ive seen people i havent seen in months!!! Gave up phil 215 to take psych 338. Ive managed to find paid and volunteer work this term!! which i am glad. Also will work on getting that DRIVER's LICENCE even if it kills me!!!

And i think i may be able to come home to singapore sooner than expected!!
but im thinking abt travelling around or something for a while... we will see.

End of term post ( or so i think)

2010-04-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

5 more days

5 fucking more days

Until i am out of this place
A part of me will always think " was it my fault for moving away? should i be the guilty one? for deciding to distance myself ? for just wanting to get a bigger social circle? Ok i have to stop thinking about that.

It is done, and I will be happier for it.

Cos truth is, living here was the true time I was unhappy, the only time when i was away that i would wake up wanting to cry, feeling so damned low, feeling so alone. If my life were a tv show this would be the time when the scriptwriters decided to make my storyline really dark. Thankfully things got better.

I know i should stop harping on it, and I will. It's just i live with it every fucking day until i can get out of this place, which i know i will in FIVE DAYS

Back to Singapore.....
The amazing race apparently came to Singapore. I immediately downloaded the episode to watch it. It was slightly odd... i mean it was pretty amazing to see my home again. But they showed only the nice parts like Singapore flyer, Sentosa.... I mean yeah it's gorgeous, clean, sparkling metropolis of grey and glass, spotlesslessness, my educated, skeptical mind tells me yeah this is really just a big advertisement for Singapore, a chance to be showcased to a world-wide audience. Actually I have to add, helluva lot better than when they had to find PCK in the heartlands ( that was really painful) at least this time it was BETTER. I have to say pretty good challanges for the competitors.

But... to me all that is not the real singapore. What i saw reminded me of The Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. You could take that both ways.
Singapore to me is not the Architecture, the e Sparkling new buildings, it's not in the expensive new disney-land like appearance. It is not in the flashy stiff newness.
It;s in the people, it cant be seen. It has to be experienced, to be felt from within. It's in the spirit of the people. How do i describe it? I don't really know.... but i know it's not in the shiny tward appearance. It's in the voice of the people, it is in the uncle nursing a tiger at 3pm at the downstairs coffee shop, the fifteen year old sitting on the mrt train home from school. It is in my family. The place where i spent the first seventeen years of my life
( Ok i left Singapore a kid, and came back grown up, older, wiser, independent but slightly bruised.)

It's in the everyday moments, and i am so damn glad to be going back. Despite the fact that I know it will be different. Canada may have changed me, forced me to grow up quickly, but Singapore is and will always give me that warm and fuzzy feeling and make my heart sink a little everytime i remember
I will probably never live there long-term

Ok i bet you are tired of this now, I will now shut up

Paris nights/ New york mornings

2010-04-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

I should not be here, i always say that... I should be studying... at least for my bs english course exam tonight. I actually hope that it is not going to be too difficult and i dont screw up. Then again, even if i fail ( which i won't) im still somewhat guaranteed a at least an over 70.

Can hardly believe it, in a week I will be on a plane heading back to Singapore. Ive been away for sooo long..... and I miss it so much. Maybe cos ive been away for 9 months, and suffered so much shit while being here that im aching to go back to that tiny island that i grew up on.

I still have a load of packing to do.... Need to clear out this room... i will get it done. Some parts of me are like, well Maybe i am being hasty by moving, but then again, maybe it is cos i am afraid to venture out on my own. Is it fear of what's new that is scaring mei? of not knowing what really to expect that is scaring me? It hopefully would not be worse than here. I mean.... it's just... if any more shit where to happen, i would explode and be unable to cope. SO far not much, but then, just to be safe. I have wanted this for so long.

A lot has gone down this term, Ive been in a play, (eally pushing lmy interest in Drama) gotten a boyfriend, cooked/ baked more, went to montreal and quebec. I just have to keep my life from going static, to constantly try to push and challange myself to acheive. Because I know I can.

Easter weekend

2010-04-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

I actually fasted this weekend

I really should make more sacrifices like this more often

It works, it actually made me think about what i was doing and my motivations behind it. It made me reflect upon what this season really means. Yep resisting a really delicious chocolate cake that I baked...

It was good, it made really think and be grateful. To fully experience, to really know what it is like. Now i know why muslims fast during ramadan.
h
Went to church on friday, some of their grade 8 kids re-enacted the passion play. It really brought me back to when i was in sec 4 and my cat class re-enacted the stations of the cross. I remembered being one of the weeping women and watching our class work together to reneact this play. How serious everyone managed to get, even the guys to realise the seriousness !

I have fond memories of weekends at St ignatius..... cant wait to go home

2010-04-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have been reading my earlier postou.... it seems as though im so crazy emotional freak with intense mood swings. Ok... just to be clear, I dont think I have a mental disorder... at least i don't think Im depressed, maybe slightly passive- agressive ( what? agressiave? me?) not obsessive compulsive or have any dissassociative disorders, maybe borderline, but i haven't been sexually abused or attempted suicide.... at least i dont think so. Right?

At least none of the disorders covered in my psychopathology class.

I really try to refrain from doing this... but here it goes... My wishlist

1. Good Grades
2. Good Grades
3. Riding lessons ( in waterloo)
4. Driving lessons, g-1 first though
5. Getting back into some level of physical fitness ( working on it currently)
6. Finding a great volunteer Job, tutoring/ mentoring
7. A job!

I really cant wait to go back to Singapore... I miss it badly. Ive told myself that it is OK to be homesick and not to get too suckered into the whole canadian cultupre thing. Remember..... i didn't spend my formative years immersed in Canadian Culture.

The Vagina post continued

2010-03-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

I know it's over, but I just feel I have to add some to this

I talked to connie, she went for the performance and enjoyed it!! I know the content is edgy and risque and can scare people off. But if you look at the underlying message.... I mean i read thi book when i was fifteen....
The words are so meaningful and so powerful. So uplifting, inspiring.... it is a subject that goes beyond race, gender, religion, it is about HUMANITY. It is about lif e, it is about love and forgiveness, it is about mercy and strength and justice. About doing what is right, doing something that changes lives, that changes perspectives. It is not just about ending violence against women, it is for peace, for humanity for love for valuing yourself as individual.

It is about honesty, it is about being sex positive, about sharing about not being afraid of who you are. Vagina may be taboo, but on that night, it is anything BUT. A group of us girls banded together and worked on a project for nearly 2months, it was something we believed in, that your words and actions can change others, can change humanity. One monologue at a time.

Here is the excerpt of one monologue called : My vagina was my village ( i did the intro to this one)

My Vagina. A live wet water village . My vagina My hometown

Not since they took turns for seven days smelling like feaces and smoked meat, they left their dirty sperm inside me. I became a river of poison and all the crops died, the fish

My vagina a live wet water village
they invaded it. Butchered it. Burned it down
I do not touch now
Do not visit
I live someplace else now
I do not know where it is

- The Vagina Monologues
written by Eve Ensler

The Vagina Monologues

2010-03-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

SAY it! say with me!!! VAGINA VAGINA
CUNT CUNT CUNT !!!!!

Ohh yeahh

It was amazing experience to be involved in this wonderful, deeply moving, powerful, intense, mind blowing project. The message of it, so universal, to end violence against women. Yes, my role may have been small, yes i may not be a drama major like most of the cast but what i took away from this experience was that, we CAN make a difference with our words. Words, stories, poetry is so moving so powerful, so abosrbing. It makes you think and reflect and want to do more.

Let what you are conveying, mean something deep and moving to someone. Make them cry, make them laugh, challange people to think , to change, to act. To change society.

First night- at AL, this felt a lot more informal than last night. We gathered 2 hr s early, cleaned up and arranged AL. Then went to a backroom to get ready. 1/2 an hr before the show ran lines with lauren and rachel again and again until we were golden. I didn't really feel that nervous. There was a good positive energy going around. Oh, the chants of cunt and the moans we did to warm-up!!! the hilarioussness of the girls. It's fun to be back in a group of ALL girls again!!

It was like a team going out to a stadium before a game... We were whooped and cheered and ass-slaped before heading out. Me, lauren and rachel were last as we marched down the stairs and began our performance. The crowd wasn't even that big! i didn't even feel that bad!! i didn't feel too nervous. Managed to deliver our lines correctly without screwing up at all!
We all sat in the front row and took turns going up. The actresses (ely mostly drama majors) were all absolutely STUNNING, riveting, engaging performances that just take you away with their words. WHo says UW doesn't have acting talent?

2nd night- Held at t of a. Got there an hr early, had less time time to get ready. This time it was in an actual theatre, so it was more nerve-racking. Nevertheless, got ready, went over lines by myself over and over, tried not to be too nervous. Then showtime!! the waiting in the " vole' which is an entrance from the bottom of the theatre. Didn't actually watch the show this time. as we spent some of the time in the green room waiting and listening to thee show a speaker or the space in the vole. We pulled off an amazing show again!!!

and yes i will be taking a drama class next time!! i like acting now!!

2010-03-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

Again, I really should not be here right now.

I have a lotta shit to get done over the next week blerghouS;KHROPUR

1. Stats mid term
2. Psych mid term
3. RS paper

How the hell am i going to get it ALL DONE??
cos i have the VAGINA MONOLOGUES this weekend!!! super excited for it btw. Going to be mind-blowingly amazing!!! I am so glad to be involved in such an amazingly empowering, strong, change-making project.

Other things
1. Find sublet
2. Find other volunteer work
3. Find other JOB

Nothing like being on your own in foreign country that teaches you to be way independent.

Ok... now a little calmer, now that i have completed part of my eng 210F group projeouct requirement.

I know i should try to be a little mysterious/ cryptic about this... but I'm just going to say, YEs im in a relationship and yes im happy in it. I love my guy. He's sweet, loving, and he just knows me. He can tell when i am about to cry ( only my younger sister can do that) He tells me off when im not being as non-blur/ assertive as i can be. But he doesn't do everything for me, independence is important, i can;t someone do all the work for me. So yes, I'm happy with him.

2010-03-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

I WILL NOT BE CONCERNED WITH LIVING SITUATION

How can I not? i fricken live with them? maybe im the only stupid one wigging out. I seriously dunno how i am going to face spring term.... with them.... one word ERGH
n't
I know you don't like me... there is no need to be bitchy or show attitude to me. I have just been doing my own thing, so let me do my own thing. It is unfortunate things are so like up and down... and i don't really talk to them
different things i should do
eytng to
a) Don't think abt it
b) Don't think abt it
c) Say nothing and just let it be
d) Why the hell did i get myself into this?

I know I must not be filled with hatred, but i feel the hostility and bitchiness, my heart seems is)so full of range, about burst, i want to scream i want to cry i want them to STOP
Why do people have to be so unpleasant and bitchy? Maybe i ouam being too sensitive, i should just let it go. It sucks living with ppl who cant love you unconditionally the way family can ( someone told me this)

Why is there the sign " SHUT THE FUCK UP" on my housemate's door?
Why can't we be more pleasant to each other?
Here is my rant

We used to be friends a long time ago
I don't want to keep thinking about this, i thought we were over it
I don't want to make a thing of it
But it is a thing, it gets to me
I don't want your attitude
Your steely looks at me
Living together ruined everything
I know i should disregard it, not think about it
That is what everyone tells me
I try and i try
But i know i cannot always avoid it
So i step on tenterhooks, i try not to displease anyone
This is fall term all over again
This time i at least have support
We used to be friends
Now you face with hatred
I don't want the hate, i just want peace
It doesn't matter if we can't be good friends anymore
Ive gotten over that a long time ago
The pain i had to go through.... Maybe you felt it too
Why this happened I don't know

I don't want to hurt anymore
I want peace
I want to be loved, i want friends and people i can rely on
I want people i can relate to and talk to
I get lonely, when i try to talk to you, you run away,
So i retreat away again
Back into the pecking order
in my space, where i don't want you to hurt me
You will not hurt me
I will stand firm
I will be strong and not cry

I will not hurt
We used to be friends

Ok i will stop now

It's like Green House day on crack

2010-03-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

Or should i say wasted?

You guessed it, st paddy's day aka just another excuse to get drunk, this time it is OK to be drunk at 12 noon!! oh and don't forget to wear green!

At least it was a beautiful day out... seeing scores of being all out drinking on their lawns at around 2pm in the afternoon

Other daily observations

Board outside vet clinic- " One person can mean the world to another"

Such a beautiful thing to walk past...

Seeing a sean william scott-lookalike cycle past me at

Look up and see ppl perched on roofs wooting.. get " I love you, you're beautiful !!" yelled at you. Well that is at least better than other things i have heard...

Oh and your lap top gets fixed!!

YAY!!

2010-02-28T12:08:00.001-08:00

I had a FANTASTIC time riding yesterday....... Mann... it just felt sooo natural to be back in the saddle. As if i had never not ridden for a while. My muscles knew exactly what to do without being told! I even got to canter! hahahahah i miss that.

Thanks to Kari for organizing it!! I just miss riding so much... Getting back on is amazing, and just hanging out with the horses. Yeah I love skating, but i think horses will always be my first love.

Spent the rest of the weekend with Andy, we wanted to go watch Shutter Island on saturday, but by the time we got there it was all sold out. Damn... should have booked tickets early... Oh wells. Still, anytime spent with him is time well spent!

Right.. okay back to reading psych

I have to GET INTO HONOURS THIS TERM
if it kills me

Don't be suprised if I love you for all that you are

2010-02-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

I guess I can rationalize it now. Before i get all social-psyschology on it.

Remember how pained I was last term? I suppose I can talk about it now cos I feel better, i have rationalized things, thought about it. Really changed since then.

Over reading week with Han and Shiue lin we talked about being away from home etc. I think maybe Fall '09 was when I really felt my homesickness. It was a VERY delayed reaction. More like a 2year long dealyed reaction. Now that I've said two years it does seem that length. Hence I did not understand why I was feeling that way. Why then? I felt so lonely, I think my housemates / friends didn't understand why i was being like that. To them, Canada is home. For me, it isn't 100% My family lives in Singapore. I have no permanant home here yet. There was not really anyone I could really relate to, who could really empathise with me and understand my pain. My close group of friends was them. Losing them, was like losing everything at Waterloo. I realised I was completely alone. THere was no-one i could turn to talk to, i had no person who could be there for me and support me when i needed it. No real close person.

Everything was falling apart, I was blamed for being distant. I was given these cold looks by everyone, I felt like I was drifting away, I felt uncomfortable in my own apartment, I used to stay out late so i didn't have to feel the dreadful anxiety whenever i marched up the stairs to my apartment to be greeted by snarls and grumpy, merciless expressions and cold words. I felt small, fearful. Had i lost everything? I was so lonely and sad and felt like I was blamed for everything that went wrong. it was always my fault. I didn't know if my behaviour was being labelled as I thought i was too good for everyone, when i was really suffering, no-one seemed to notice it. They thought it was pride, but no it was deep loneliness, homescikness and saddness. HTere were meoments i wanted to pack up and go home, screw University. But I was realise I just really upset. I would call back home in desperate floods of tears not knowing what to do.

Im not saying everyhthing is really perfect now, it is not. Everyday is still a challange, but an easier one now that I've accepted and grown and changed my fears and thoughts about things. For example, I expanded my social circle, I got to know others, if anything, this experience forced me to look outside for me more friends. To realise it was stupid to be so fearful, but I guess you learn a lot, you gain tons of maturity and independence, you gain strength. I may have been torn down, but I can get up. Maybe that term was the time for me to mourn and greive for leaving home, I had to live it, to get through it.

At least now, I know I have people who will stand by me and love me for everything that I am, and I am happy. It's not all perfect, but I am trying.

Continuation of reading week

2010-02-21T11:44:00.001-08:00

Skiing

It's whizzing down a hill at i-don't-know-how-many miles per hour. My legs turning and moving on their own determinedly down the hill, is this freedom? Me paralell skiing down the mountain with all my might. Swooshing to the left and right, just the elements and me, as one against nature, my knees trying hard to not to buckle and shake and the hills keep coming, up and down up and down, there is no stopping now as i speed down the hill, desperately edging between fear and exhileration, i feel my adrenaline pumping , as I try not to let myself fall or roll down the mountain. I am here. I am Free.

I love skiing, almost as much as riding i think. But no, nothing can ever trump the feeling of riding. It is my passion, my yearning, the thing that sinks so deeply into your soul that it is forever embedded there. It is pull like gravity, that's the only way I can describle, a deep longing and ache for the chance to ride again.
The feeling of your legs pressing against your horses' sides, your hands confidently holding the reins, just you and your horse. Then galloping or running freely up the hills, you in forward position, crouched low over the saddle, your hands buried in his mane, as you feel the power beneath you, all you can hear is the sound of the wind wooshing past you, you could be fearful of losing control of this momement, but what you have to do is simply Go. With. It. Race against the wind, erase your fear, this is magic there is no other feeling like this in the world. Your heart races, but you do not fear. This is power, this is grace, this is beauty, captured.

How i miss this.

2010-02-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

You know your walking home happily from class... It's been a ok day... lalaaladi da di da

Then you come home and get yelled at by your totally rad roomies for innocently leaving some coffee grains on the kitchen counter ( you were going to clean it when you returned from class as you were in a rush that morning) And something about chocolate stains on the kitchen floor ( don't ask me HOW it got there?) but either way it is YOUR fault and you have to clean it.
So you go on your hands and knees ala cinderella and clean the floor. How it got there heaven knows! But oh no... you have to clean it.

I try to tell myself not to ruminate.... why i should not ruminate
a) In the grand scheme of things, this is a speck
b) HAven't we already been through this??
c) I should just be like WHATEVER

Can i be honest and truthful here? though this has probably happened a million and one times and you are so tired of hearing this by now but I really dislike the way I am made to feel and the way I am being treated. I feel like a fillipino maid who hasn't done her job and is being scolded by her employer, a school child who has done something wrong, even my parents never really made me feel like that. Not for years.... I feel myself reduced in size everytime, made to feel defenceless and like I am the villain everytime. Maybe i am being too sensitive abt it, and i should just ignore it, but everytime this happens I feel this way. Right now, it is not quite so bad cos I know this is not going to last forever, i will eventually move out of this place.
I know I am stronger now, that I CAN get through this and I WILL. If i keep telling myself that

Ive realised some things

a) Im not assertive enough, with my housemates I feel threatened and dominated by them. I know i should not... But i do. No-one ever shows any mercy or cuts any slack for anyone. I feel like a pony with my ears stick back.. huddled in a corner away from the herd

OKAY CAROLYN STOP IT NOW

STOP WHINING AND COMPLAINING it doesn't solve anything

LET IT GO

Ok
got it
out of my system... jus had to vent

It is out now

b)

Here comes the sun and I say it's alright

2010-02-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

I don;t think i really want to care much anymore. If things like last time happen again, i know i can get through it now. I have the inner strength to get through that trauma. Find it within myself, will not end up the tangled mess I was before. I will not disintegrate, I will not fall I will remain strong.

I will look at it and try not see it as I am the enemy, the evil one for the things that people have blown out of porportion. Because in the end they will come back to me they will realise their wrongs. It happens, if i know i truly did nothing wrong. which is true most of the time.

So much fucking drama

On top of my a) Psych mid term ( DO NOT FUCKING SCREW UP )
b) EVIL paper ( the paper is evil)
c) Stats assignment

What other work is coming my way????

this week has been a killer so far... though by tmr it's gonna be ALL over

2010-01-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

I realise I hover between two worlds

Especially here, Im Asian. I never realized it more until I came here. Here is defines almost your whole existence. But no, being Chinese ethnically does not make me one those girls with the long curled/ rebonded/ tinted/ dyed long hair, big eyes or dressed in the latest asian fashions, No, I am none of those things.

Im tired of the stereotype, No, I am not in Math, or CS. Neither am I in co-op or have a high GPA. I am in bloody arts, no not an Econ major or AFM student. No, my mandarin sucks, I hardly speak it. But i love writing and english and reading. I do not speak Cantonese or listen to contemporary Asian music. Does that make me any less Asian/ Chinese? oh and the term " Asian" It was only here that I heard this word used for only Chinese people. Guess where im from? No it's not Hong Kong, China, Taiwan, Japan, Korea or vietnam, no it's not Malaysia, it's SINGAPORE ( sunny island set by the seaaaaa)

Where Im from, we use Asian for everyone. DUH it's fricken ASIA. So Asian is the umbrella term for anyone there. And " Asian" who came up with it anyway?

You could say I am more white-washed then anything. But hey, does loving my ethnic food count? I don't even follow so-called chinese religions ( is there even really such a thing anyway??) I am Catholic christian, I do not ancestral worship or go to a temple. But I still believe in Fillial Piety, I honour and respect my family, that's just an Asian philosophy and value that I go by, that has been instilled in me. I am proud to be Asian, but not to be stereotyped.

There is no-one else like me, tell me know, How many Singaporeans fly out to Canada to study at a school more famous for it's Engineering and CS programs? How many singaporeans have heard of it? I am a rare unique individual, and I am proud to be that. I realise, there is no-one in this world who is going to be exactly like me ( well steff told me that)

Today was a fairytale

2010-01-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

There is something in the way you move me

Something magical, and im so falling for you...

I know it is soon

But i can feel it

I just want to be with you

I know you feel it too

You're the one for me

I feel it everytime i look into your eyes and feel your arms around me

I feel at home

So baby if you want to go, baby let's go

If you wanna rock, im ready to roll

If you want me, i know i will be yours

The dog days are over

2010-01-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

This has been an interesting week...
And interesting week to add

Clubs day, getting REALLY involved on campus. Here's what i did these past couple of days

Spent last night wandering the streets of waterloo with a bunch of St Paul's ppl that i just met and ended up semi-babysitting a crew of six or seven drunken people. Being the only sober one.... SOME CRAZY SHIT. Sometimes i feel like im in a harold and Kumar movie. You end up looking for something some party/ club or whatever and NEVER reach. In the end you end up not caring whether you found the place or not. WHat mattered is the journey. Or something like that.

Whoever says UW students cannot party is seriousssly mistaken. I have never seen a more crowded party at UWP in my life. Some of things i saw that night... ohhh gawddd. I saw full-on girl roommate kissing, then my friend kissing them... then the whole thing continuess.. oh drunkedness. It was a fun night though, looking after drunk ppl who NEVER seemed to sober up ever. Amazing.

Woke up early the next morning and took the bus downtown, spent the morning cooking at the working centre with a cool bunch of people ( food Not bombs) Then walked over to the Kitchener city hall and served free food to people. It was awesome, i loved doing it despite the cold. Watching ppl skating out on the pond in front of city hall. I think I like KW now, i really don;t mind it anymore. Its a good-sized city and for now.. at least till the work gets tough, im doing okay and im content. It's been fun.

Then ran the SMA meeting at MC at 5. SMA people are hilarious and awfully fun!!! i used to think they were annoying but i really CHANGED my mind. We played the name game and charades, im happy ppl were great sports!! Then we took a bus and trekked over to Lai Lai restaurant. We attacked one of their private rooms and MAde a FUCK LOAD of noise!!! there were moments when i felt i wasn't even in Canada!! Saw jocelyn and kae again. WIth kae, it's a loud party he and jocelyn make a real pair....

Rounded it off with going for bubble tea at the plaza with shiue lin, josephine, han and Andy. We ended up playing dirty scrabble ( shiue lin's suggestion) with it ending up becoming REALLY hard. So we ended up just talking and drnking bubble tea. Then Andy walked me home, he's a sweet guy who grew up in Singapore but parents from China, virtually Singaporean.

2010-01-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

Things are good for now

Things are ok, i feel okay. Slightly stressed at times due to the NEW POST OF PRESIDENT. BUt i will be fine, i will get over it. I hope work doesn't get too bad this term. I really need to do well... get everyhing over 70 at least.

Why is that so hard? or am i just dumb? Ok, need to stop these self-depreciating thoughts. Not going anywhere with them. At least i have come up with something good for reading week, some sort of plan... ski tip!!

Things I will do this term
a) Get better marks
b) Get involved with WCC and WPRIG/ women's centre
c) Find a significant other?
d) Meet cool new people
e) Relax and be happier
f) Not get into arguments/ problems with roomates
g) Keep up with work and readings

I Just need to stop worrying so much and just relax and go with it. Oh and BE MORE ASSERTIVE

But i think this term, or at least I HOPE! it is going to be alright.

When the day it turns to morning with the icy cold breeze
I walk down the frozen streets, it is sometimes hard to breathe
With hands deep down in my pockets my breath a stream of vapour
I know I am going to be okay

The winter may freeze me and turn my cheeks all red
But i won't let halt falter in anyway
I will keep walking this way each and everyday
cos i know today is going to b okay

that was dumb... but i just felt that right there

2010-01-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

Back From Spain, London

It was a mixture of wonderful/ mishaps. Over all, it was what i needed.... coming back, this first week seems fine. I am happy, things are going pretty well. Im getting along with people it's good... Classes haven't really started proper... but when they do. I know it is going to be a bit of challange. I hopefully will get through it.

Still considering going back to singapore of reading week. Have to book tickets soon. AND find stuff to do between winter and spring term!!

2009-12-18T19:34:00.001-08:00

Ok.. so i am done studying for developmental... Hope it is not too hard tmr..
Either way... I cannot wait to be done. I want to LEAVE just to get away

It was HARD semester, socially. But i think I got through and survived it. Next semester will be different and better i really hope so. THINGS BETTER get better

I realise i miss campus... walking to the library after not being on campus for a while, i missed it. DC, SLC, the streets. Just being on campus... being around ppl. It is enough. I think my social situation is looking up, they;re ok for now, goes up and down. I need to stop being so sensitive... what happened to the happy go-lucky-girl? well not so happy go-lucky lol. But i am working on that.

Wow... i recall fist moving into here... i was a totally different person. Just feels like a whole year when it was just 4 months. So much went down, i can hardly believe it. But still, new experiences.. I am grateful to be here.

Tmr at this time i will be so ready to leave... well hopefully all packed and ready!!!

2009-12-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

Just finished my first final... I AM NOT LOOKING AT PSYCH 291

Not in the mood too

It went ok, better than i expected, maybe cos i studied so MUCH for it. Easier than the mid term.... but i don;t want to put all my eggs in one basket.

Discovered this new distraction on fb

Disclaimer- some of this is not exactly PG... explicit material ahead
Overheard at UW
oh waterloo

In DC Library:White Guy: So what did you guys do during summer camping?
Chinese Guy: We stayed at my uncles' cabin and went on a boat ride !
White Guy: You have a boat?
Chinese Guy: No, it's my uncles'.
Indian Guy: It's probably the same boat his family came here on.
10 December at 11:08 · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View feedback (38)Hide feedback (38) · Report

You make me laugh... this is waterloo written all over it

walking around campus
Guy 1 to Guy 2: Tell that person over there that i want a rim job! right now!
Guy 2: But, that's a dude...

Classic UW.... ( rim stands for Research In Motion, the makers of blackberrys... they're based in Waterloo)

in psych 101, conversation between two girls:
Girl1: if your fucking someone do you have to buy them a christmas gift? or is sex a gift?
Girl2: it depends on how good you are
Girl1: I'm getting him a gift

Not really specific to UW... but funny still

Remember that Jan post about 25 things that are true about me? Well.. somethings are not anymore..

.6. I'm sometimes surprised i'm not clinically depressed over the amount of crazy shit that has happened in my life
Truth- Ok i didn't exactly get depressed, but got really low... and more crazy shit happened.. i got close enough to it... I just got very unhappy, anxious and had to seek help

10. There were times when i was at Bronte college ( high school in Canada) that i would wake up in the middle of the night and have an overwhelming feeling of saddness and feel like i was all alone in this Canada. This has never happened at Waterloo
Truth- I did end up feeling lonely and sad here at UW, living in an apartment off campus... and it was ppl i thought i was close to... I guess i was missing something. Like i was all alone... it was really messed up, it's not even perfect, not even when i write this

11.I have never gone to a club... ever and i'm 19... that is sad
Truth- Went to too many clubs... clubbed OUT. But it is fun, i mean i like dancing, only if the music is good.

24.dont really like goin back to singapore for long periods of time, if i dont have anything to do....
Truth- Ok maybe it is cos i was partially unhappy here. but i would love to go back to sg, for ANY amount of time.

I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR FINALS

2009-12-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

1. Beer - Nasty,

2. Food: Microwaveable

3. Relationships- I tend to screw mine up

4. Your crush: Not many crush-worthy guys around

5. Power Rangers: Being a kid!! GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!

6. Life: Can toss anything at you

7. The President: Of which country? if you're talking abt singapore..
.
8. Yummy: HORSES

9. Cars: My only way of getting to horses.... oh and that toyota matrix in the carpark? im crushing on it

10. Movies: Distractions

11. Halloween: SLutty costumes and gay orgies as of 08/09

12. Sex: overated and everywhere

13. Religion: it's everywhere

14. Hate: is a strong word

15. Fear: Anxiety?

16. Marriage: Hopefully someday

17. Blondes: who cares

18. Slippers: SL-E-E_PERS singapore style, draw out the EEEE

t19. Shoes: boots

20. Asians: I will go with steph's view ( western concept)

t21. Past time: I should be passing time by STUDYING

22. One night stand: Ah.. stephanie has ruined it for me

23. My cell phone: HANDPHONE - Im sorry i just had to say it, " my hand-sorry cell number is...
24. Smoke: I don't

25. Fantasy: Sexual, sorry Im studying Sexuality!!

26. College: NO PARENTS + Indpedence+ shitty apartment+ exams+ fucked up relationships

27. High school life: errr i only did one year of high school.... grade 12.... in a private boarding school with internationals and looking back at it... i think it rocked

28. Pajamas: BANANAS IN PAJAMAS ARE COMING DOWN THE STAIRS

29. Stars: I don't really star gaze

30. Center: " sen-er" in that accent... no it should be CENTRE CENTRE british english people british english!!!

31. Alcohol: gag me

32. The word love: Not enough of it in this world

t33. Friends: i need them

34. Money: I need this too

35. Heartache: pain and suffering

36. Time: go faster and slow at the same time, just dont' stop, oh and if you could at times go backwards

37. Divorce: too much of it in the west

38. Dogs: KEEGIE baby

39. Undies: colourfu and pretty

40. Parents: I miss them, like i never used to before

41. Babies: DEV PSYCH oh gawd, object permanance gaaaaahhhh

42. Ex: asshole

43. Song: chasing pirates... norah jones

44. Color: again the U

45. Weddings: I want to have one... and i used to serve at them

46. Pizza: congealed cheese... can be nasty

47. Hangout: My room /library/ slc = so sad

Rest: wish i could

49. Goal: enough of this goal-setting business

50. Life : Living it

End of Term Report

2009-12-10T20:46:00.000-08:00

10 freaking days to go!!!!!!!!!
CANNOT WAIT

To get out of this little hell hole... This little apartment... the things i have to say about it...
A learning experience lets just say. My mental health has not been so challanged, almost as bad as the ex ( ok as bad) This time with no horses to make it all better/ worth it

Oh wait! Checkist!
I wrote these things back in July... Lets see now
1. Do better in classes Umm... we;ll wait and shall we? ( crosses fingers fervently and hopes and prays for the best)
2. Take up riding lessons Nada as of yet... Im still pinning for it
3. Volunteer As as an RA? HELL YEAH
4. Make more friends Yes! but grew apart froma few
5. Take DRIVING LESSONS Again no
6. Take up a salsa/ tango class YEs, if one or two lessons count

But i need not worry, only half the year is gone. I still have another half... and the summer, which i am wondering is still a good idea... but will probably just go forward with it. I have the SJU rez contract already. MOVE OUT OF THIS SHITTY FLAT

And come fall '10 I don't think i will living with the same people again. I need to step out. Even if it means being alone... well um i guess i am already kinda a little/ slightly like that.

I remember earlier i thought that being in Nova scotia would prepare me for this... Prepare me? living like this made carol look like the a quiet old mare!! Ok maybe not that extreme but... I guess she IS the boss so... In Nova scotia the horses made everything better... here I felt so alone, and for the first time for a fleeting few moments i considered packing it all in and giving up my overseas adventure. Seriously... i felt that low. I moved apart from people, and i dont know why. But now im jus seriously too tired to care anymore. I cried so much, felt so alone... I had to go for counselling, it got that bad. Not that everything is perfect now... im still working on it... things are still raw (kind of) but semester is ending and i am glad for it. So much drama and shit happened...
I think i missed having a close friend to chat to... i got lonely. i got blamed for stuff i never did... its hard living in such close quarters with ppl... im telling you, it is the apartment... Im still trying to find that close friend to talk to. But in the mean time, i think i am going to be ok ( for now)
But I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS PLACE

2009-12-05T13:13:00.001-08:00

Ok this is gonna be short.

I have to work on my stupid psych 291 assignment ( shoot me now) Blasted courses....

Anyway, I have learnt and realised things about myself this term. Reading through all of them, I have realised that living apartment-style with friends is not really for me after all. I mean, you don't know unless you try.... but I really feel like i cannot do it. yeah it has it's perks, but hey i can live without them.

I enjoy living in a bigger community of people. not in a tiny apartment where i piss people off everytime i walk around it, until i don't really like coming out of my room as i am afraid of annoying someone. Gawd... why is it so hard? I dont know. For personal reasons I feel i just cant live in an apartment, i need the bigger sense of belonging. To be around a lot of people,just being around a large group of people. I need that. I like my friends, but I think wha tis best for me is not this. I pray they would understand that.

What happened to me this Term

2009-12-02T20:53:00.000-08:00

I guess i need to be told I am a good person.
It is just, I am fed up with the looks, the way I am treated. Not by everyone, just by certain people and I am bloody sick of it all. I am really being pushed to the edge with this.

There is so much I can take from people, and no i don't know what to my strength. I used to be strong, but it got so eroded away by I dont know what!! I ended up feeling trapped, like I can't even wake up from this terrifying nightmare, andd it keeps going on. I can;t break away from this lease until end of winter next yr... WHY THE HELL DID I NOT JUST MOVE OUT NOW???? Oh i know.. cos i thought it would be too much of a hassle to move... which is true.

But really... my sanity? I AM A NICE PERSON. I am not a mean bitch, i make mistakes but i try, really hard to be nice. Yeah, i say the wrong thing something, i get those foot-in-mouth moments when i say this i should not, but i would NEVER EVER intentionally hurt anyone. I have tried explaining that over to people but they just don't listen and i don't know why.

I don't know why i am getting the looks, the attitude, i don't know. All i know is that, i thought things were going well, FINE in fact maybe things were returning to normal. BUT NO MAYBE NOT. I dont know why... is it me? I don't know.

HAve people been making me feel horrible? Yes, i have let people bring me down, people have made me feel like shit, where did my strength go? Oh i know! it is cos I thought these people cared about me! i let my guard down and felt i was being accepted and liked by people, for being who i am. I am not 100% perfect, i can;t always be the best BUT I DO TRY. You know what? if my best doesn't work for you, then too bad!!! Cos i busted my fucking ass this term, OK? socially I TRIED!! Ok! i really really tried!! You talked to me, i listened and i did I really put in the effort and i tried. I am not a bad person, I will not let them make me feel like i am one.

This is like IJ Again, people making me feel like shit, i don;t know why or how. I just know that I have to be stronger, I have overcome this... TWO MORE WEEKS TWO MORE WEEKS.

I have always felt it was MY FAULT for everything. Like everything i did was my fault, like it was MY WRONG for everything. LIKE I CANNOT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so damn tired of it, I tried so hard this term, if my best doesn't work for you, i don;t know what will. Cos i have done my utmost best. If i can't live with you guys, then i don't know who can! try getting someone really perfect to do it.. cos i cannot.

I am tired of the way i am being treated, i don't want to raise it and cause shit again. Cos i don't want to have to go up and ask why the other person is feeling that way and "let's talk" cos we have done that before, and i have TRIED. I am not the one in the wrong.

2009-11-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

At least the horrible feeling at the pit of stomach is gone. I had it for a while, i was filled with a sense of dread, unhappiness, social anxiety? could i say that? Anxiety with the ppl i live with? well at least it is more or less gone now.
Things were bad... this term was up and down sometimes good sometimes nicht sehr gut. But... I have learnt, if anything my faith in God got stronger, i actually enjoy going to church now. I have more conviction and hope and hope in him now. I know i can depend on him when i am down.

I have relied on him, i prayed so hard to him, i faced huge mountains this term and felt rock bottom. But i have and can resurface. I know i will always face the challanges. But what doesn;t kill you makes you a stronger person ( although you sometimes feel like dying)

On a more cheery note...
Went to a horse show this weekend. Waterloo hosted the OUEA show. Got up at 5 am, there was no water due to a burst pipe from across the road. Walked to school and got a ride at 6am with sydney who was really nice. ( probably cos she missed the club i think) But yes, doing that on 5 hrs of sleep ( went out clubbing at a club with really bad music) It was honestly SOOOO TIRRING, but hung out considerably with kari. The day went by pretty slowly, felt we had been there for hours when it was only 9am! Well you spend most of the time walking horses around, getting the riders on etc. But it was fun, fun but VERY tirring.

I mean the horse show world can be a snobby world, all mostly girls and rich and white. Ok, maybe not ALL rich but 99% white. I've been around horse shows so much it's just all noise and familiarity. Familiairity if anything... made it comfortable, honestly with the amount of time ive been around horses over the years... even though now i don't get that weekly dose of it, it is SOO second nature to me now. It is like breathing!!

I love horses and i miss them..

Wish i had a car and could drive up to go riding. Even if it is just lessons. DEAR GOD I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO THAT
that is a bit sad LOL

2009-11-12T13:53:00.000-08:00

Just a few more weeks till the end of term... Not that it flew by that fast... it was okay. Had its various ups and downs. Im just kind of worn from the journey. It's been a real i won't say adventure, but ride. Ive been through so much... i always have to get through so much with so many people.

It's just.... * sighs * I learnt things abt myself i didn't know or properly realised. Or just came up without me realising. I just want everyhting to be okay and ive had to learn to accept things and go with it. Whatever it is... i know i can't give up... i have to keep climbing keep going. I am going to face difficultly at every turn i suppose. The hard times won't stop coming... Never gonna be that smooth sailing.

Then he has to msg me... i swear just leave me alone... not that i would contact him again.... Im so over it, moved on... that part of my life is over and for a good reason.. im a better person for it.

2009-10-26T21:30:00.001-07:00

It is 12.30am... i should be asleep now, i dont even know if we are going to class at 8.30 or 9 tmr... getting fucking stressed hate mid terms... why the hell am i in psych? why is it so hard? why can't getting good marks be easy? i want GOOD MARKS FOR EVERYTHING. I just wanat a fucking honours degree from here. I want to be able to apply to grad school, and i AM motivated but it is difficult when you feel not too smart next to bloody smart ppl who get A's at the snap of a finger when you have to work your ass off just for that bloody A, and even despite the hard work you still dont get what you think you deserve. You can't say your mark you are ashamed, your self-worth is tied to academic success... same old shit. No, you tell yourself it;s not tied there.

Just bloody hate mid terms, hate the fact that there are 2 this week. You just want faisal to text you, you hope it's just mid terms and you won't get ditched for the 3rd time. You just want

a) Good grades on mid terms
b) get through this week in one piece
c) GOOD GRADES ON MID TERMS
d) Faisal and you to work out

I JUST WANT GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME

The calm after the storm

2009-10-24T18:30:00.001-07:00

At least that's what i hope it is
The storm has settled, the knotted feeling in me is gone everytime i decide to come home. Well 75% gone at least. I don't any more shit with any else anymore.

I don't want arguments or uncomfortableness anymore i want to be close again i don't know what happened. Talking to the folks has been good, in fact i don'tkow why i talked to them so much this time... but i forget that im living so far away from home and sometimes maybe it is ok to miss them, am i being hard on myself? am i? I mean most ppl just drive for a couple of hours and reach home

Me, i take a freaking 20 hrs lfight... i should be used to it by now, but maybe i have to accept that i do am homesick, experience culture shock, after all i have only been here for 2 1/2 yrs, i have to let it be okay for myself to feel that way. Maybe im not as strong as i thought... Living in apartment... i thought REV was going to be just like it... boy was i wrong!!

but at least it is ok now....

20 BITCHES YEAH BABY

2009-10-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

Okay need to calm down about that

20 big deal, not 21. Anyway, my awesome roommates gave me a lovely birthday cake and surprise when i got home. I half-expected it, half-didn't. It was a VERY sweet gesture on their part!!

Can't go out this week due to mid terms and stuff... but at least am going to toronto on friday!! yay!!!! I really hope i can do well on my mid-terms... cos i HAVE HAVE to. I don't want to flunk out in my 2A term, nor have i failed anything yet.

But anyway, i had an epiphany the other day

Firstly, Im done chasing people or wishing they would come after me. Im tired of it, it was one person after another and i just got tired in the end. I didn't ask for it to happen IT JUST CAME down on me like a storm trenching me to the skin until. Ok so maybe the first time was ok, i will take it but..... the second, I don't know what came over me, it was just reciprocation. Being in the moment... forgetting everything around me or where i was ( was it the alcohol? ) unlikely. I tend to do this, the next things i ended up doing i don't know why i did, i guess i just thought " hey why not, just go for it" Then not really regretting... OKAY now regretting but just scratching my head and wondering why? why did i do it? and the answer is i don't know. I guess i was just there, didn't really think and went impulsively too fast. I did things i won't normally do.

Ok back to the story... tired of chasing ppl, if it comes to me it comes, if it doesn't so be it. I just have to be that way. It's the only way i can keep my mental state from me going " what the fuck is wrong with me? im a perfectly decent lovely individual with so much to offer why am i still single??? ive been trying honestly but it just doesn't seem to work" It's been over a year since i've been in a commuitted relationship.

I've got to just lay off and step back. Just be friends, no rushing. Maybe that is the way to go. At least i hope so. You know what? i think im happier and more satisfied that way, i will not worry about this anymore I will not concern myself with these thoughts anymore.

The 2nd epiphany..... I realise i need classes that MAKE ME THINk. So far only my film class and a bit of research methods and sex has allowed me that. Dev psych is soooo biological it doesn't make me think it doesn't make wonder about the world, it doesn;t allow me to analyze, question. Just cold hard facts, not fun. I need to be able to challange something, whenever there is a grey area... i mean is there really black and white?? straight right and wrong?

Sometimes, there never is.

2009-10-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

I should be....
STUDYING FOR DEV PSYCH

I know... along with vacuuming my room

But im not

It feels like ive been here for over a month but it's probably barely 3 weeks in and already so much shit has gone down.

First week

- Involved hectic hours of waking up at the crack of dawn for ROC, walking home randomly at 2 am in the morning trying to not to get killed along the way home or being yelled at randomly by drunk strangers, without passing out ( either from exhausation or alcohol)
- Partying more than i've ever partied in my 20 years, parties every night??? that start only at 1 am??
- A fucking fantabulous week
- Helluva lot more fun than my OWN O week

School week
- Easing self into routine of classes, home, cooking, cleaning, studying, wasting time, classes, WAITING FOR THE GODDAMN BUS THAT NEVER COMES, giving up and walking to school
- CLUBBING ON THE WEEKEND. Yes it is possible to get a clubbing threshold, there is only so many times you can hit the clubs.... stupid random guys asking for your numbers yet never taking you seriously, dancing with random strangers

- Now mid-term week, fun i LOVE STUDYING

Oh and the weather... question to the weather
1. Oh dear mighty skies, can you please decide to either stay cold or wet?? NOT BOTH
2. I ve had to walk to school in below 10 degree weather in CROCS cos of the RAIN
3. MAKE UR MIND!!! walking into health services is like being in a 3rd world country hospital full of sick people everywhere coughing in masks.

Cowgirl don't cry

2009-09-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

Or at lest try not too........

How do i feel right now, like i should have known these things but just didnt want to listen. The last thing i ever want to do is to hurt anyone... and yet i unknowingly end up hurting those closest to me. I hate hurting ppl unless they deserve it.

These people are my family away from home. I know this, they look out and care for me and i am COMPLETELY grateful for that. I thank god that i have found these people who genuinely are interested in my welfare.

I don't want to be faulted on anything anymore. I don't want to be in the wrong i don't want to be the one that is causing problems for people.

Dammit the bottom line is that i just want to be loved and accepted by people. I don't want to the one left out in the cold. But at the same time i am forgiving, i just am too soft and get taken advantage of.

I just feel guilty for hurting others when i didn't even know i was driving someone insane. I honestly hate that feeling. I just don't want to be a screw up anymore, it feels like most of my life i was one. But i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just fricken move on with it.

Thanks for playing! Try again Next time !

2009-09-15T20:09:00.001-07:00

I had a crappy first day back, or maybe i should just have been happy about it being eventful.

I agree to meet X for lunch, excitedly thinking " oh good things are going great" when swing goes the pendulum and it's " Im sorry i need to concentrate on my work, Im not ready for a girlfriend" crap flies up. Im not saying I don't believe X needs to take the work seriously, I respect that and i understand it. What i don't understand is why i got fucking played. I didn't do anything... wrong. All i did was be there, sure i loved the attention. Having somone walk me home during orientation week, sometime to hang out with all night. Someone i could talk to, someone i enjoyed being with. Hey it could have been something.... but no. Once classes start.. "BAM, i need to study now, it was fun knowing you GOODBYE " And i just sat at the bus stop and took it, im a nice person all i said was " well if you think you will never be ready for a relationship you never will be" Ok, am really not so stupid as to fall for for it straight away, but still. A little bit of yourself does get a little disappointed.

to self: Fine whatever, his loss not mine

Am i ever that lucky? No. Am i destined to be alone forever? i sure as hell hope not. Seriously, i have not been able to get into a serious committed real relationship for a over a year since the break-up with he-who-shall-not-be-named. Is there something wrong with me? or is there something wrong with them?

Somebody help me
please

disclaimer: If i sound like a stupid love/ relationship obsessed freak i apologise. Merely venting my frustrations.

Roc and the 'loo

2009-09-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

Back at Waterloo.....
Ive reverted back to my waterloo/ canadian self

Im fine on my own, things have been BUSY BUSY i have things to do every singe day! ROC takes up so much time... but honestly I am having a blast and it's really enjoyable. Moving first years in, taking them to events... hanging out with the other ROC members... running events.... FUN

AMAZING AMAZING... at least til classes start.
Monte Carlo was funn
It ROCKS to just walk into SLC with a leader tag....... be like OH YEAH OH YEAH Im a leader muahahah

2009-08-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Been here for 2 weeks now

Auntie karen and Megan have come and gone... well they arrived when i got here. So they have been here for as long as i have.

I've not been pressuring myself to do anything for now... I figure, why? i mean i am only going to be here for one month... so

Ive had a fun enough summer... Explored north america... Went to beautiful beautiful Nova scotia.. Saw WILD CHINCOTEAGUE PONIES. Worked as on a horse farm fulfilling two dreams... my BEST SUMMER

Hopefully the next school year will work out well.
It has to...

2009-08-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion,reached the point. I now no longer care if i dun get to meet up with ppl other than pei ying or really close friends. I don't... it was unrealistic to think i would be remembered. I don't care anymore, it doesn't matter to me.

I;ve carved more of a life for myself in canada than here. ( although i've been here longer) really, made more friends. I guess it is a combination of being more mature and confident with ppl being less cliquishly annoying.

Im happy

But i miss horses... so much. I really want to ride again.

Can't wait to go back to School though. Im ok with studying again, move into my apartment start my SECOND YEAR IN UNI bitch.

Im taking it really slow, not doing much in particular, just recovering from my summer.

2009-07-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

I WANT A CHINCOTEAGUE PONY COLT

COS THEY ARE SO CUTE

Ok, got that our of my system... the answer is no no and no

Not now, though i want to, and will get a horse.in.the.future.

Even if it is a colt, after BDF i think i am confident enough now.

Things i wish to accomplish in the next school year

1. Do better in classes
2. Take up riding lessons
3. Volunteer
4. Make more friends
5. Take DRIVING LESSONS
6. Take up a salsa/ tango class

Sighs... i need to stop fantasing about owning a horse, NOW.

2009-07-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

i AM SO GLAD I AM NOT THEM

I am glad those days are over, where i first got my early riding instruction. I suppose i do owe it to Sentosa riding centre, saddle club, polo club, Riderslodge. Dammit why can't they have flipping normal names like " Beaver dam farm" or " twisted Pine " huh? oh well....

I never fit in very well with horse people, you would think i would... but sometimes when you have people who are too similar to you it does not go well. Some kinds of horse people are snobby, the worst kind, i had to put up with them and their hundred-thousand-dollar imported warmbloods, like they are better than you. NEWSFLASH NO THEY ARE NOT

I viewed the industry from the other side, the employee side. I loved it.. not really the people, or should i say person... but being with the horses. WORKING with them, every single day. Yes, it is tirring, exhausting, and takes a lot out of you emotionally and physically it is rewarding to look back and say... Hey, i worked with that three year old, beginning his under saddle training or hey i handled those young horses and introduced saddles to them.

Ok.. rIGHT now am on chincoteague island. Went camping over the weekend and SAW WILD CHINCOTEAGUE PONIES, motherfuckers. Take that... HAAA. Survived a storm in a small tent on a beach. TAKE THAT !!! HAAAA.

I almost wish i could buy a colt... but no... i can't for obvious reasons. I suppose owning a horse DOES tie you down a bit... you have to see him/ her everyday, ride him/ her everyday, then you form a bond with them. I can only imagien what it would be like to sell your baby... after years... hell i almost started tearing up when i thouht about having to leave orion and willow. I would not be able to lead willow up a ramp to truck and see her leave... i would just fucking cry.

But anyway... im glad im in canada and plan to stay on there to pursue my dreams, whatever they may really turn out to be. I know i don't want to do it in SIngapore.

Don't get me wrong now

I like singapore, i will always have a place for it in my heart, i will never ever forget her.But realistically some things just cannot be acheived there.

2009-07-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Writing this now in hostel in Washington.... I like travelling, but i am looking forward to going home. Back to Singapore, not neccessarily complete familiarity but home at least. But wait... once you go away to a different country your concept of home changes. What is home anymore? who is family?

I've been in Canada for the last two years and four months, when i go back to Singapore im out of touch with it, both physically, emotionally ans socially. When i went home i realised just how consertive it was, how much more liberal canada was compared to it. I had forgotten. Maybe it seems dumb that i didn't realise it, but i didn't, once you immerse yourself in a different society you end up viewing things from a new point of view. Well i couldn;t help it anyway. I've grown up and changed so much in the time i've been away. Experienced many new things which will shape me and which i will take with me. From Being at Bronte to an intern on a fjord farm. I alwaya say, i never thought i would end up here, but i do and find it unbelievable.

Like this summer, i never thought i would bring on a young horse, i would one of his first riders. Or introduce saddles and bridles to colts, did i really know what i was doing? i was basically just learning as i went along! WOuld i learn so much about driving and meet so many amazing people ? i don't know.

Today accomplished a lot with stephanie, went to the meuseum of women in art, the Meuseum of the American Indian and went to watch SPRING AWAKENING!! which i couldn't help but make references to Singapore and how we could make a Singaporean version of it!! a) Oppressive sexual culture b) Emphasis on academics c) Awkward BGR

I think i have had enough travelling for a while, enough jetting around, im ok with going home for a month and not going anywhere or doing anything in particular. I will be fine with that. I have accomplished sooo much being away. I also can't wait to move into my new apartment and start a new school year, i really don't mind.

Going back to ride at RL will be very different for me, my equine-confidence level has increased after being a " staff" at a barn i feel i can do anything now. Im not as backward as i thought! HELL I BROUGHT ON A YOUNG HORSE, I WORKED WITH COLTS!! I WORKED WITH SOMEONE WHO GOT A FUCKING PLACE TO COMPETE AT THE WORLD EQUESTRIAN GAMES. So suck it IT OTHER RIDING GIRLS WHO MADE MY YEARS OF RIDING WITH ALL OF YOU FUCKING MISERABLE and my confidence being lowered. YEs, i do know, even among the interns i am not the best, i don't know everything, and i still don't, but as long as you want to learn. Now my regret is not getting BOb to teach me to drive.

But hey, how many people get to ride gypsy vanners? take care of them?? eh ? eh??? muahahahahah
But the sad thing is that
It is over, i have gone, it's never going to come back, im never going to see pie or sky or lexie, or my baby ORION again, i miss ringing the triangle and yelling " COME ONE GUYS!!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!" at the top of my lungs like a fucking goatherder or defying death by feeding adolescent colt monsters or going on poop duty.

In any case, i am ready to come home, or at least my Singapore home.

2009-07-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

And... as quick as a flash my Nova scotian adventure is OVER

I do miss it... but i've been doing so many things i do not have the TIME to miss it.
Once i left planet bdf i was off at waterloo... of traipsing through toronto...

Amazing

BDF taught me tons, it was nothing what i expected. I learned to long line a horse, trained a young horse, taught him to be trained under saddle, probably his first rider. Honestly if i had money, the time, the right trainer to help me i would buy him and bring him on. Ive never been so close to a horse, like never had that kind of connection that i did with him. He was my project, the one i took on.

But i think the real adventure started after elisabeth left... when bob giles came things picked up wonderfully. It was just an amazing experience...

Here is what we did everyday

7.35-9.30am Prepare feeds, bring hin horses, groom horses, muck stalls, check water

9.30-12 am Colts feed/ groomed/ handled, bathrooms cleaned, horses ridden

12-1pm lunch

1pm- 2pm Catch horses and tack up

2pm-3.30pm trail ride

3.30-5.30pm Ring work riding, working with young horses/ gypsy vanners, clean tack, check water tanks, refill water tanks, feed and bring in horses

between 7 and 9pm- Feed gjest, take in yvonne and feed, redo stella's leg, showe offf holly's udder / leg

2009-07-06T17:25:00.001-07:00

5 days left

Im gonna miss it here... but yet im ready to move on, it's been fun. I've been here since fricken may!!!!!!

Rode holly on the trail today. She felt like a coiled spring in the beginning... jus wanting to go. So during the short spurts when we did we went MAAAADDDDD galloping away, awesome time. Gonna miss these fjords, my orion, my willow. But i've learned so much, tolerated stupid annoying carole. Who has to dammit share a name with me.

The show was a success!!!! although i was FREAKING nervous before, and the only one in a black jacket and shirt. But apparently i looked realy nice with a black and white gypsy vanner. we spent SOOOOOOOOOOO long getting those feathers looking SHINY and white and clean clean clean. They looked SPECTACULAR. With those looong manes and shiny clean white feathers. WHen the music started i just WENT and tried to
a) enjoy myself
b) tell myself it was jus another day of training
c) not knock into bob
d) Not make up random movements not part of planned routine so not as to collide into bob