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Born in Sg, survived seven years of IJ, escaped to canada for the miraculous rebirth.. likes to say she found self there, But well when can we reach self actualization? now a waterloo student. 110% horse mad, was practically born on the back of a horse ( or rather wishes she was) horses are my favourite thing.

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You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.

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Friday, August 01, 2008

It ends here and now

No more procrastinating, no more lazing around, no more wasting time, no more whining. Yes that is how i have been these last 3 months here. There were many things i was supposed to do and yet i didnt do any of them.

I have no one to blame but myself. I didn't push myself to do something, i wasted this entire trip back.I slacked off too much, took it too easy, didn't bother to do the things i should have done. In the end, everyone looks at me like i'm a lazy idiot, who can't get off her butt to do squat, so purposeless and aimless, i hate being like that. IT IS HELL. I know i should do something about it..... and yet i don't, you can call it sheer laziness and sloth. I know i shouldn't be like that at all. I'm sorry i'm not like my older sister who has so much iniative to do things and i didn't do them. I feel so guilty for being the way that i am. I've made up my mind, i AM NOT COMING BACK TO SINGAPORE FOR MORE THAN ONE MONTH AT A TIME. It is just too... erghh unless i plan on seriously doing something here, i can't stay anymore....... It's just too horrible to stay here and not do anything at all. It is like hell, honestly there is nothing worse...

It's just unbearable.... And yes i know all my fault. I have so many regrets i don't know where to start at all. I make too many mistakes, i can;t help, and with my family every single mistake i make gets picked on...... i'm sorry i'm not the athlete like my sister, i;m sorry i am not as driven and have as much iniative as my older sister. I just feel like such a fucking failure sometimes, it's not fair.

ok...... must STOP WHINING

Try to make things better, get off my ass and DO THINGS.
I will
a) Take more iniative
b) Not procrastinate
C) IF in doubt, JUST DO IT
d) FOLLOW THROUGH with things

Even if i have a month left, i will try to make the best use of it, try to make better decisions, if i want to do something, even if no-one else wants to do it, just DO IT.

Oh, but i am serious about not coming back to singapore for more than a mth, unless i am going to seriously do something here or HAVE to stay back.