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Born in Sg, survived seven years of IJ, escaped to canada for the miraculous rebirth.. likes to say she found self there, But well when can we reach self actualization? now a waterloo student. 110% horse mad, was practically born on the back of a horse ( or rather wishes she was) horses are my favourite thing.

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You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.

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Monday, October 26, 2009

It is 12.30am... i should be asleep now, i dont even know if we are going to class at 8.30 or 9 tmr... getting fucking stressed hate mid terms... why the hell am i in psych? why is it so hard? why can't getting good marks be easy? i want GOOD MARKS FOR EVERYTHING. I just wanat a fucking honours degree from here. I want to be able to apply to grad school, and i AM motivated but it is difficult when you feel not too smart next to bloody smart ppl who get A's at the snap of a finger when you have to work your ass off just for that bloody A, and even despite the hard work you still dont get what you think you deserve. You can't say your mark you are ashamed, your self-worth is tied to academic success... same old shit. No, you tell yourself it;s not tied there.

Just bloody hate mid terms, hate the fact that there are 2 this week. You just want faisal to text you, you hope it's just mid terms and you won't get ditched for the 3rd time. You just want

a) Good grades on mid terms
b) get through this week in one piece
c) GOOD GRADES ON MID TERMS
d) Faisal and you to work out

I JUST WANT GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME

Saturday, October 24, 2009
The calm after the storm

At least that's what i hope it is
The storm has settled, the knotted feeling in me is gone everytime i decide to come home. Well 75% gone at least. I don't any more shit with any else anymore.

I don't want arguments or uncomfortableness anymore i want to be close again i don't know what happened. Talking to the folks has been good, in fact i don'tkow why i talked to them so much this time... but i forget that im living so far away from home and sometimes maybe it is ok to miss them, am i being hard on myself? am i? I mean most ppl just drive for a couple of hours and reach home

Me, i take a freaking 20 hrs lfight... i should be used to it by now, but maybe i have to accept that i do am homesick, experience culture shock, after all i have only been here for 2 1/2 yrs, i have to let it be okay for myself to feel that way. Maybe im not as strong as i thought... Living in apartment... i thought REV was going to be just like it... boy was i wrong!!

but at least it is ok now....

Wednesday, October 07, 2009
20 BITCHES YEAH BABY

Okay need to calm down about that

20 big deal, not 21. Anyway, my awesome roommates gave me a lovely birthday cake and surprise when i got home. I half-expected it, half-didn't. It was a VERY sweet gesture on their part!!

Can't go out this week due to mid terms and stuff... but at least am going to toronto on friday!! yay!!!! I really hope i can do well on my mid-terms... cos i HAVE HAVE to. I don't want to flunk out in my 2A term, nor have i failed anything yet.

But anyway, i had an epiphany the other day

Firstly, Im done chasing people or wishing they would come after me. Im tired of it, it was one person after another and i just got tired in the end. I didn't ask for it to happen IT JUST CAME down on me like a storm trenching me to the skin until. Ok so maybe the first time was ok, i will take it but..... the second, I don't know what came over me, it was just reciprocation. Being in the moment... forgetting everything around me or where i was ( was it the alcohol? ) unlikely. I tend to do this, the next things i ended up doing i don't know why i did, i guess i just thought " hey why not, just go for it" Then not really regretting... OKAY now regretting but just scratching my head and wondering why? why did i do it? and the answer is i don't know. I guess i was just there, didn't really think and went impulsively too fast. I did things i won't normally do.

Ok back to the story... tired of chasing ppl, if it comes to me it comes, if it doesn't so be it. I just have to be that way. It's the only way i can keep my mental state from me going " what the fuck is wrong with me? im a perfectly decent lovely individual with so much to offer why am i still single??? ive been trying honestly but it just doesn't seem to work" It's been over a year since i've been in a commuitted relationship.

I've got to just lay off and step back. Just be friends, no rushing. Maybe that is the way to go. At least i hope so. You know what? i think im happier and more satisfied that way, i will not worry about this anymore I will not concern myself with these thoughts anymore.

The 2nd epiphany..... I realise i need classes that MAKE ME THINk. So far only my film class and a bit of research methods and sex has allowed me that. Dev psych is soooo biological it doesn't make me think it doesn't make wonder about the world, it doesn;t allow me to analyze, question. Just cold hard facts, not fun. I need to be able to challange something, whenever there is a grey area... i mean is there really black and white?? straight right and wrong?

Sometimes, there never is.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

I should be....
STUDYING FOR DEV PSYCH

I know... along with vacuuming my room

But im not

It feels like ive been here for over a month but it's probably barely 3 weeks in and already so much shit has gone down.

First week

- Involved hectic hours of waking up at the crack of dawn for ROC, walking home randomly at 2 am in the morning trying to not to get killed along the way home or being yelled at randomly by drunk strangers, without passing out ( either from exhausation or alcohol)
- Partying more than i've ever partied in my 20 years, parties every night??? that start only at 1 am??
- A fucking fantabulous week
- Helluva lot more fun than my OWN O week

School week
- Easing self into routine of classes, home, cooking, cleaning, studying, wasting time, classes, WAITING FOR THE GODDAMN BUS THAT NEVER COMES, giving up and walking to school
- CLUBBING ON THE WEEKEND. Yes it is possible to get a clubbing threshold, there is only so many times you can hit the clubs.... stupid random guys asking for your numbers yet never taking you seriously, dancing with random strangers

- Now mid-term week, fun i LOVE STUDYING

Oh and the weather... question to the weather
1. Oh dear mighty skies, can you please decide to either stay cold or wet?? NOT BOTH
2. I ve had to walk to school in below 10 degree weather in CROCS cos of the RAIN
3. MAKE UR MIND!!! walking into health services is like being in a 3rd world country hospital full of sick people everywhere coughing in masks.