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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Ok... deep breaths
I was freaking out in the earlier post. Just in a very GAAAHHH mood. I do that sometimes, and i write to blow off steam.
YEs, just stress
Needed to destress so went for dinner with the boyfriend.
Im calmer now and not as irrational as I was earlier.
i take back some of the things i said
Im not as stressed out anymore.
Just thought I should clarify.... Im not normally this neurotic, it's just this is a forum where I think i can express myself, and be as crazily unhinged as i want to be, and let all my insecureness out. Hey, everyone has issues, its just we conceal them and present ourselves to the world.
I was freaking out in the earlier post. Just in a very GAAAHHH mood. I do that sometimes, and i write to blow off steam.
YEs, just stress
Needed to destress so went for dinner with the boyfriend.
Im calmer now and not as irrational as I was earlier.
i take back some of the things i said
Im not as stressed out anymore.
Just thought I should clarify.... Im not normally this neurotic, it's just this is a forum where I think i can express myself, and be as crazily unhinged as i want to be, and let all my insecureness out. Hey, everyone has issues, its just we conceal them and present ourselves to the world.
I will never be the same if we ever met again, then say you're sorry if we did
Procrastination again
Fucking mid terms, going crazy, what the fuck do i do with my life???
when faced with the question " where will you be 10 yrs from now?" where will you be???
I want to say I DON'T KNOW!!! How can i predict such a thing? now don't call non-ambitious, don't say I have no path or direction in my life. Cos i do, I know where Im headed, but hell five years ago I thought I was never going to make to uni, i was nearly sixteen years old.... worrying about what i freak i Was, stressing about boys, school, exams, O levels, watching my friends in my year do O levels. Actually some of the same shit i was worrying about now, schoolwork ( yeah uni is tough)
Being a complete disaster at things, is a mental framework I have had for a very long time. I know I should try to get rid of it, but good gawd it just goes round and round in my head doesn't stop.
Ive kind of learned now I am not a disaster, i am good at things. I just need to discover them. Ok, back to what I should be doing...
when i was 17 i wanted to go into the hospitality industry, I don't anymore
- Two things now
a) I can't be a psychologist without a bloody phD, and i don't feel like i need/ want one
b) Don't even know if i can get to grad school with my kind of marks
c) I WILL NOT GRADUATE WITH AN HONOURS DEGREE
d) I WILL OONLY GRADUATE WITH A BACHELORS
e) DOes it make me less of a person?
Yet part of me still feels like I want to help people. Yet i don't have the marks for it, yeah it is easy to say " work harder" i know I should. I know i should not be lazy and just push through.
Help people. so generic so common.
Its either become a therapist or go in Human Resources, to eventually become an HR Manager. Is that where i will be in 10 yrs? you can answer that.
I know you say... " u need direction" u need guidance, you need to plan If you don't you will fail.
all true.
thats what im thinking, i can't do anything, these things just on and on. I can't rest them.
Gawd, no one ever said it was going to be easy. Im not the damn best. Although I try my best not to be klutz, I live 2000 miles from where i was born, i have lost my core group of uw friends, made more, had 2 bfs, need to figure out what i really want out of this damn life, yet i want to keep my options open.
I want to be sure, have no more black and white, i want it all and i want it now. - and i will be late for class
Fucking mid terms, going crazy, what the fuck do i do with my life???
when faced with the question " where will you be 10 yrs from now?" where will you be???
I want to say I DON'T KNOW!!! How can i predict such a thing? now don't call non-ambitious, don't say I have no path or direction in my life. Cos i do, I know where Im headed, but hell five years ago I thought I was never going to make to uni, i was nearly sixteen years old.... worrying about what i freak i Was, stressing about boys, school, exams, O levels, watching my friends in my year do O levels. Actually some of the same shit i was worrying about now, schoolwork ( yeah uni is tough)
Being a complete disaster at things, is a mental framework I have had for a very long time. I know I should try to get rid of it, but good gawd it just goes round and round in my head doesn't stop.
Ive kind of learned now I am not a disaster, i am good at things. I just need to discover them. Ok, back to what I should be doing...
when i was 17 i wanted to go into the hospitality industry, I don't anymore
- Two things now
a) I can't be a psychologist without a bloody phD, and i don't feel like i need/ want one
b) Don't even know if i can get to grad school with my kind of marks
c) I WILL NOT GRADUATE WITH AN HONOURS DEGREE
d) I WILL OONLY GRADUATE WITH A BACHELORS
e) DOes it make me less of a person?
Yet part of me still feels like I want to help people. Yet i don't have the marks for it, yeah it is easy to say " work harder" i know I should. I know i should not be lazy and just push through.
Help people. so generic so common.
Its either become a therapist or go in Human Resources, to eventually become an HR Manager. Is that where i will be in 10 yrs? you can answer that.
I know you say... " u need direction" u need guidance, you need to plan If you don't you will fail.
all true.
thats what im thinking, i can't do anything, these things just on and on. I can't rest them.
Gawd, no one ever said it was going to be easy. Im not the damn best. Although I try my best not to be klutz, I live 2000 miles from where i was born, i have lost my core group of uw friends, made more, had 2 bfs, need to figure out what i really want out of this damn life, yet i want to keep my options open.
I want to be sure, have no more black and white, i want it all and i want it now. - and i will be late for class
Sunday, September 26, 2010
TeaImm Tryouts and Internet
This is why I should have done it in first year
At that time, me making the team REAL possibility. I did my best though...
I was riding jake, so he was the last horse I had ridden, fingers crossed hoping it all goes well..... Wait i have to do lead changes??? We don't have to do this in JUMPER!
The course was at least simple enough for me not to get confused on. Plus there was a flat component where as simple change was required. HEre is how it went on Jake..
First, forgot the first portion was in sitting, rose for a couple of strides. Then got him into canter, easy. Then he goes into trot and i completely fuck up the simple change= non-existant. why? cos he WAS NOT EVEN CANTERING to begin the diagonal line. Got him to canter at the next corner and headed for the first jump. Only this is, thispony kept on breaking into trot.. it was very uneven. So i probably looked like crap out there. Very not what i was going for. At least my position over fences was good. It was only after I was done that i realised i forgot the closing circle or whatever it is they do in hunter.
Next I was up on a slim version of Laurie called Chloe. Also abt laurie's size, just skinnier with no big neck. SHe was relatively easy to push forward, and i did a BEAUTIFUL simple change!! however, her jump was odd... it was either that or i was taking off way too soon. I kept getting left behind at every FENCE!! terrible. It was all good except for that. And my lead changes were all wrong... bloody hunter, why cant it be SIMPLE and just be JUMPER? like the rest of the world outside north america?
I was glad to be able to ride though. At windamere, which i am familiar with.
At that time, me making the team REAL possibility. I did my best though...
I was riding jake, so he was the last horse I had ridden, fingers crossed hoping it all goes well..... Wait i have to do lead changes??? We don't have to do this in JUMPER!
The course was at least simple enough for me not to get confused on. Plus there was a flat component where as simple change was required. HEre is how it went on Jake..
First, forgot the first portion was in sitting, rose for a couple of strides. Then got him into canter, easy. Then he goes into trot and i completely fuck up the simple change= non-existant. why? cos he WAS NOT EVEN CANTERING to begin the diagonal line. Got him to canter at the next corner and headed for the first jump. Only this is, thispony kept on breaking into trot.. it was very uneven. So i probably looked like crap out there. Very not what i was going for. At least my position over fences was good. It was only after I was done that i realised i forgot the closing circle or whatever it is they do in hunter.
Next I was up on a slim version of Laurie called Chloe. Also abt laurie's size, just skinnier with no big neck. SHe was relatively easy to push forward, and i did a BEAUTIFUL simple change!! however, her jump was odd... it was either that or i was taking off way too soon. I kept getting left behind at every FENCE!! terrible. It was all good except for that. And my lead changes were all wrong... bloody hunter, why cant it be SIMPLE and just be JUMPER? like the rest of the world outside north america?
I was glad to be able to ride though. At windamere, which i am familiar with.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn thats alright because I love the way it hurts
Back in Canada
Spent the first week being utterly stuffed up sick and hauling my ass down to AL every morning for orientation week. Combination of slightly insanity, exhaustion and I get a slight feeling of whats it is like to be a squatter. Sleeping in wherever.
Now classes restarted, i know i am not in SIngapore as... a) Im cooking again
b) I can make a mess and no one gives me crap
c) im taking public transport again
d) There is a sudden shift in values
e) I can watching be out at 1am and no ones gives a hoot
f) Im wearing the same thing for 3 days straight
It was different from last year.... Probably the same amount of work, but I was just more TIRED, blame it on being deaf in one ear, my nose running like waterfall and at times no voice.
It was fun in different ways, monte carlo was not thaaat fun, i had set up which was just carrying things around. But it was an awesome friday night.
Now that classes have started.... I realize that well, i just cannot acheive somethings, hsmith basically told me Im screwed in some areas and i know myself well enough where i stand. Is this just a self fulfilling prophecy?
damn it i just want to graduate with a bachelors degree. Honours or no honours, does it make me less of a person?
Spent the first week being utterly stuffed up sick and hauling my ass down to AL every morning for orientation week. Combination of slightly insanity, exhaustion and I get a slight feeling of whats it is like to be a squatter. Sleeping in wherever.
Now classes restarted, i know i am not in SIngapore as... a) Im cooking again
b) I can make a mess and no one gives me crap
c) im taking public transport again
d) There is a sudden shift in values
e) I can watching be out at 1am and no ones gives a hoot
f) Im wearing the same thing for 3 days straight
It was different from last year.... Probably the same amount of work, but I was just more TIRED, blame it on being deaf in one ear, my nose running like waterfall and at times no voice.
It was fun in different ways, monte carlo was not thaaat fun, i had set up which was just carrying things around. But it was an awesome friday night.
Now that classes have started.... I realize that well, i just cannot acheive somethings, hsmith basically told me Im screwed in some areas and i know myself well enough where i stand. Is this just a self fulfilling prophecy?
damn it i just want to graduate with a bachelors degree. Honours or no honours, does it make me less of a person?