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Monday, April 12, 2010
End of term post ( or so i think)
5 more days
5 fucking more days
Until i am out of this place
A part of me will always think " was it my fault for moving away? should i be the guilty one? for deciding to distance myself ? for just wanting to get a bigger social circle? Ok i have to stop thinking about that.
It is done, and I will be happier for it.
Cos truth is, living here was the true time I was unhappy, the only time when i was away that i would wake up wanting to cry, feeling so damned low, feeling so alone. If my life were a tv show this would be the time when the scriptwriters decided to make my storyline really dark. Thankfully things got better.
I know i should stop harping on it, and I will. It's just i live with it every fucking day until i can get out of this place, which i know i will in FIVE DAYS
Back to Singapore.....
The amazing race apparently came to Singapore. I immediately downloaded the episode to watch it. It was slightly odd... i mean it was pretty amazing to see my home again. But they showed only the nice parts like Singapore flyer, Sentosa.... I mean yeah it's gorgeous, clean, sparkling metropolis of grey and glass, spotlesslessness, my educated, skeptical mind tells me yeah this is really just a big advertisement for Singapore, a chance to be showcased to a world-wide audience. Actually I have to add, helluva lot better than when they had to find PCK in the heartlands ( that was really painful) at least this time it was BETTER. I have to say pretty good challanges for the competitors.
But... to me all that is not the real singapore. What i saw reminded me of The Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. You could take that both ways.
Singapore to me is not the Architecture, the e Sparkling new buildings, it's not in the expensive new disney-land like appearance. It is not in the flashy stiff newness.
It;s in the people, it cant be seen. It has to be experienced, to be felt from within. It's in the spirit of the people. How do i describe it? I don't really know.... but i know it's not in the shiny tward appearance. It's in the voice of the people, it is in the uncle nursing a tiger at 3pm at the downstairs coffee shop, the fifteen year old sitting on the mrt train home from school. It is in my family. The place where i spent the first seventeen years of my life
( Ok i left Singapore a kid, and came back grown up, older, wiser, independent but slightly bruised.)
It's in the everyday moments, and i am so damn glad to be going back. Despite the fact that I know it will be different. Canada may have changed me, forced me to grow up quickly, but Singapore is and will always give me that warm and fuzzy feeling and make my heart sink a little everytime i remember
I will probably never live there long-term
Ok i bet you are tired of this now, I will now shut up
5 fucking more days
Until i am out of this place
A part of me will always think " was it my fault for moving away? should i be the guilty one? for deciding to distance myself ? for just wanting to get a bigger social circle? Ok i have to stop thinking about that.
It is done, and I will be happier for it.
Cos truth is, living here was the true time I was unhappy, the only time when i was away that i would wake up wanting to cry, feeling so damned low, feeling so alone. If my life were a tv show this would be the time when the scriptwriters decided to make my storyline really dark. Thankfully things got better.
I know i should stop harping on it, and I will. It's just i live with it every fucking day until i can get out of this place, which i know i will in FIVE DAYS
Back to Singapore.....
The amazing race apparently came to Singapore. I immediately downloaded the episode to watch it. It was slightly odd... i mean it was pretty amazing to see my home again. But they showed only the nice parts like Singapore flyer, Sentosa.... I mean yeah it's gorgeous, clean, sparkling metropolis of grey and glass, spotlesslessness, my educated, skeptical mind tells me yeah this is really just a big advertisement for Singapore, a chance to be showcased to a world-wide audience. Actually I have to add, helluva lot better than when they had to find PCK in the heartlands ( that was really painful) at least this time it was BETTER. I have to say pretty good challanges for the competitors.
But... to me all that is not the real singapore. What i saw reminded me of The Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. You could take that both ways.
Singapore to me is not the Architecture, the e Sparkling new buildings, it's not in the expensive new disney-land like appearance. It is not in the flashy stiff newness.
It;s in the people, it cant be seen. It has to be experienced, to be felt from within. It's in the spirit of the people. How do i describe it? I don't really know.... but i know it's not in the shiny tward appearance. It's in the voice of the people, it is in the uncle nursing a tiger at 3pm at the downstairs coffee shop, the fifteen year old sitting on the mrt train home from school. It is in my family. The place where i spent the first seventeen years of my life
( Ok i left Singapore a kid, and came back grown up, older, wiser, independent but slightly bruised.)
It's in the everyday moments, and i am so damn glad to be going back. Despite the fact that I know it will be different. Canada may have changed me, forced me to grow up quickly, but Singapore is and will always give me that warm and fuzzy feeling and make my heart sink a little everytime i remember
I will probably never live there long-term
Ok i bet you are tired of this now, I will now shut up
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Paris nights/ New york mornings
I should not be here, i always say that... I should be studying... at least for my bs english course exam tonight. I actually hope that it is not going to be too difficult and i dont screw up. Then again, even if i fail ( which i won't) im still somewhat guaranteed a at least an over 70.
Can hardly believe it, in a week I will be on a plane heading back to Singapore. Ive been away for sooo long..... and I miss it so much. Maybe cos ive been away for 9 months, and suffered so much shit while being here that im aching to go back to that tiny island that i grew up on.
I still have a load of packing to do.... Need to clear out this room... i will get it done. Some parts of me are like, well Maybe i am being hasty by moving, but then again, maybe it is cos i am afraid to venture out on my own. Is it fear of what's new that is scaring mei? of not knowing what really to expect that is scaring me? It hopefully would not be worse than here. I mean.... it's just... if any more shit where to happen, i would explode and be unable to cope. SO far not much, but then, just to be safe. I have wanted this for so long.
A lot has gone down this term, Ive been in a play, (eally pushing lmy interest in Drama) gotten a boyfriend, cooked/ baked more, went to montreal and quebec. I just have to keep my life from going static, to constantly try to push and challange myself to acheive. Because I know I can.
Can hardly believe it, in a week I will be on a plane heading back to Singapore. Ive been away for sooo long..... and I miss it so much. Maybe cos ive been away for 9 months, and suffered so much shit while being here that im aching to go back to that tiny island that i grew up on.
I still have a load of packing to do.... Need to clear out this room... i will get it done. Some parts of me are like, well Maybe i am being hasty by moving, but then again, maybe it is cos i am afraid to venture out on my own. Is it fear of what's new that is scaring mei? of not knowing what really to expect that is scaring me? It hopefully would not be worse than here. I mean.... it's just... if any more shit where to happen, i would explode and be unable to cope. SO far not much, but then, just to be safe. I have wanted this for so long.
A lot has gone down this term, Ive been in a play, (eally pushing lmy interest in Drama) gotten a boyfriend, cooked/ baked more, went to montreal and quebec. I just have to keep my life from going static, to constantly try to push and challange myself to acheive. Because I know I can.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Easter weekend
I actually fasted this weekend
I really should make more sacrifices like this more often
It works, it actually made me think about what i was doing and my motivations behind it. It made me reflect upon what this season really means. Yep resisting a really delicious chocolate cake that I baked...
It was good, it made really think and be grateful. To fully experience, to really know what it is like. Now i know why muslims fast during ramadan.
h
Went to church on friday, some of their grade 8 kids re-enacted the passion play. It really brought me back to when i was in sec 4 and my cat class re-enacted the stations of the cross. I remembered being one of the weeping women and watching our class work together to reneact this play. How serious everyone managed to get, even the guys to realise the seriousness !
I have fond memories of weekends at St ignatius..... cant wait to go home
I really should make more sacrifices like this more often
It works, it actually made me think about what i was doing and my motivations behind it. It made me reflect upon what this season really means. Yep resisting a really delicious chocolate cake that I baked...
It was good, it made really think and be grateful. To fully experience, to really know what it is like. Now i know why muslims fast during ramadan.
h
Went to church on friday, some of their grade 8 kids re-enacted the passion play. It really brought me back to when i was in sec 4 and my cat class re-enacted the stations of the cross. I remembered being one of the weeping women and watching our class work together to reneact this play. How serious everyone managed to get, even the guys to realise the seriousness !
I have fond memories of weekends at St ignatius..... cant wait to go home
Thursday, April 01, 2010
I have been reading my earlier postou.... it seems as though im so crazy emotional freak with intense mood swings. Ok... just to be clear, I dont think I have a mental disorder... at least i don't think Im depressed, maybe slightly passive- agressive ( what? agressiave? me?) not obsessive compulsive or have any dissassociative disorders, maybe borderline, but i haven't been sexually abused or attempted suicide.... at least i dont think so. Right?
At least none of the disorders covered in my psychopathology class.
I really try to refrain from doing this... but here it goes... My wishlist
1. Good Grades
2. Good Grades
3. Riding lessons ( in waterloo)
4. Driving lessons, g-1 first though
5. Getting back into some level of physical fitness ( working on it currently)
6. Finding a great volunteer Job, tutoring/ mentoring
7. A job!
I really cant wait to go back to Singapore... I miss it badly. Ive told myself that it is OK to be homesick and not to get too suckered into the whole canadian cultupre thing. Remember..... i didn't spend my formative years immersed in Canadian Culture.
At least none of the disorders covered in my psychopathology class.
I really try to refrain from doing this... but here it goes... My wishlist
1. Good Grades
2. Good Grades
3. Riding lessons ( in waterloo)
4. Driving lessons, g-1 first though
5. Getting back into some level of physical fitness ( working on it currently)
6. Finding a great volunteer Job, tutoring/ mentoring
7. A job!
I really cant wait to go back to Singapore... I miss it badly. Ive told myself that it is OK to be homesick and not to get too suckered into the whole canadian cultupre thing. Remember..... i didn't spend my formative years immersed in Canadian Culture.