November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
May 2012
September 2012
October 2012
November 2012
December 2012
December 2013
January 2014
March 2014
April 2014
June 2014
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
May 2012
September 2012
October 2012
November 2012
December 2012
December 2013
January 2014
March 2014
April 2014
June 2014
Bituwin -
template
Dementee -
image
You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.
Hit counter code here
Sunday, February 28, 2010
I had a FANTASTIC time riding yesterday....... Mann... it just felt sooo natural to be back in the saddle. As if i had never not ridden for a while. My muscles knew exactly what to do without being told! I even got to canter! hahahahah i miss that.
Thanks to Kari for organizing it!! I just miss riding so much... Getting back on is amazing, and just hanging out with the horses. Yeah I love skating, but i think horses will always be my first love.
Spent the rest of the weekend with Andy, we wanted to go watch Shutter Island on saturday, but by the time we got there it was all sold out. Damn... should have booked tickets early... Oh wells. Still, anytime spent with him is time well spent!
Right.. okay back to reading psych
I have to GET INTO HONOURS THIS TERM
if it kills me
Thanks to Kari for organizing it!! I just miss riding so much... Getting back on is amazing, and just hanging out with the horses. Yeah I love skating, but i think horses will always be my first love.
Spent the rest of the weekend with Andy, we wanted to go watch Shutter Island on saturday, but by the time we got there it was all sold out. Damn... should have booked tickets early... Oh wells. Still, anytime spent with him is time well spent!
Right.. okay back to reading psych
I have to GET INTO HONOURS THIS TERM
if it kills me
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Don't be suprised if I love you for all that you are
I guess I can rationalize it now. Before i get all social-psyschology on it.
Remember how pained I was last term? I suppose I can talk about it now cos I feel better, i have rationalized things, thought about it. Really changed since then.
Over reading week with Han and Shiue lin we talked about being away from home etc. I think maybe Fall '09 was when I really felt my homesickness. It was a VERY delayed reaction. More like a 2year long dealyed reaction. Now that I've said two years it does seem that length. Hence I did not understand why I was feeling that way. Why then? I felt so lonely, I think my housemates / friends didn't understand why i was being like that. To them, Canada is home. For me, it isn't 100% My family lives in Singapore. I have no permanant home here yet. There was not really anyone I could really relate to, who could really empathise with me and understand my pain. My close group of friends was them. Losing them, was like losing everything at Waterloo. I realised I was completely alone. THere was no-one i could turn to talk to, i had no person who could be there for me and support me when i needed it. No real close person.
Everything was falling apart, I was blamed for being distant. I was given these cold looks by everyone, I felt like I was drifting away, I felt uncomfortable in my own apartment, I used to stay out late so i didn't have to feel the dreadful anxiety whenever i marched up the stairs to my apartment to be greeted by snarls and grumpy, merciless expressions and cold words. I felt small, fearful. Had i lost everything? I was so lonely and sad and felt like I was blamed for everything that went wrong. it was always my fault. I didn't know if my behaviour was being labelled as I thought i was too good for everyone, when i was really suffering, no-one seemed to notice it. They thought it was pride, but no it was deep loneliness, homescikness and saddness. HTere were meoments i wanted to pack up and go home, screw University. But I was realise I just really upset. I would call back home in desperate floods of tears not knowing what to do.
Im not saying everyhthing is really perfect now, it is not. Everyday is still a challange, but an easier one now that I've accepted and grown and changed my fears and thoughts about things. For example, I expanded my social circle, I got to know others, if anything, this experience forced me to look outside for me more friends. To realise it was stupid to be so fearful, but I guess you learn a lot, you gain tons of maturity and independence, you gain strength. I may have been torn down, but I can get up. Maybe that term was the time for me to mourn and greive for leaving home, I had to live it, to get through it.
At least now, I know I have people who will stand by me and love me for everything that I am, and I am happy. It's not all perfect, but I am trying.
Remember how pained I was last term? I suppose I can talk about it now cos I feel better, i have rationalized things, thought about it. Really changed since then.
Over reading week with Han and Shiue lin we talked about being away from home etc. I think maybe Fall '09 was when I really felt my homesickness. It was a VERY delayed reaction. More like a 2year long dealyed reaction. Now that I've said two years it does seem that length. Hence I did not understand why I was feeling that way. Why then? I felt so lonely, I think my housemates / friends didn't understand why i was being like that. To them, Canada is home. For me, it isn't 100% My family lives in Singapore. I have no permanant home here yet. There was not really anyone I could really relate to, who could really empathise with me and understand my pain. My close group of friends was them. Losing them, was like losing everything at Waterloo. I realised I was completely alone. THere was no-one i could turn to talk to, i had no person who could be there for me and support me when i needed it. No real close person.
Everything was falling apart, I was blamed for being distant. I was given these cold looks by everyone, I felt like I was drifting away, I felt uncomfortable in my own apartment, I used to stay out late so i didn't have to feel the dreadful anxiety whenever i marched up the stairs to my apartment to be greeted by snarls and grumpy, merciless expressions and cold words. I felt small, fearful. Had i lost everything? I was so lonely and sad and felt like I was blamed for everything that went wrong. it was always my fault. I didn't know if my behaviour was being labelled as I thought i was too good for everyone, when i was really suffering, no-one seemed to notice it. They thought it was pride, but no it was deep loneliness, homescikness and saddness. HTere were meoments i wanted to pack up and go home, screw University. But I was realise I just really upset. I would call back home in desperate floods of tears not knowing what to do.
Im not saying everyhthing is really perfect now, it is not. Everyday is still a challange, but an easier one now that I've accepted and grown and changed my fears and thoughts about things. For example, I expanded my social circle, I got to know others, if anything, this experience forced me to look outside for me more friends. To realise it was stupid to be so fearful, but I guess you learn a lot, you gain tons of maturity and independence, you gain strength. I may have been torn down, but I can get up. Maybe that term was the time for me to mourn and greive for leaving home, I had to live it, to get through it.
At least now, I know I have people who will stand by me and love me for everything that I am, and I am happy. It's not all perfect, but I am trying.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Continuation of reading week
Skiing
It's whizzing down a hill at i-don't-know-how-many miles per hour. My legs turning and moving on their own determinedly down the hill, is this freedom? Me paralell skiing down the mountain with all my might. Swooshing to the left and right, just the elements and me, as one against nature, my knees trying hard to not to buckle and shake and the hills keep coming, up and down up and down, there is no stopping now as i speed down the hill, desperately edging between fear and exhileration, i feel my adrenaline pumping , as I try not to let myself fall or roll down the mountain. I am here. I am Free.
I love skiing, almost as much as riding i think. But no, nothing can ever trump the feeling of riding. It is my passion, my yearning, the thing that sinks so deeply into your soul that it is forever embedded there. It is pull like gravity, that's the only way I can describle, a deep longing and ache for the chance to ride again.
The feeling of your legs pressing against your horses' sides, your hands confidently holding the reins, just you and your horse. Then galloping or running freely up the hills, you in forward position, crouched low over the saddle, your hands buried in his mane, as you feel the power beneath you, all you can hear is the sound of the wind wooshing past you, you could be fearful of losing control of this momement, but what you have to do is simply Go. With. It. Race against the wind, erase your fear, this is magic there is no other feeling like this in the world. Your heart races, but you do not fear. This is power, this is grace, this is beauty, captured.
How i miss this.
It's whizzing down a hill at i-don't-know-how-many miles per hour. My legs turning and moving on their own determinedly down the hill, is this freedom? Me paralell skiing down the mountain with all my might. Swooshing to the left and right, just the elements and me, as one against nature, my knees trying hard to not to buckle and shake and the hills keep coming, up and down up and down, there is no stopping now as i speed down the hill, desperately edging between fear and exhileration, i feel my adrenaline pumping , as I try not to let myself fall or roll down the mountain. I am here. I am Free.
I love skiing, almost as much as riding i think. But no, nothing can ever trump the feeling of riding. It is my passion, my yearning, the thing that sinks so deeply into your soul that it is forever embedded there. It is pull like gravity, that's the only way I can describle, a deep longing and ache for the chance to ride again.
The feeling of your legs pressing against your horses' sides, your hands confidently holding the reins, just you and your horse. Then galloping or running freely up the hills, you in forward position, crouched low over the saddle, your hands buried in his mane, as you feel the power beneath you, all you can hear is the sound of the wind wooshing past you, you could be fearful of losing control of this momement, but what you have to do is simply Go. With. It. Race against the wind, erase your fear, this is magic there is no other feeling like this in the world. Your heart races, but you do not fear. This is power, this is grace, this is beauty, captured.
How i miss this.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
You know your walking home happily from class... It's been a ok day... lalaaladi da di da
Then you come home and get yelled at by your totally rad roomies for innocently leaving some coffee grains on the kitchen counter ( you were going to clean it when you returned from class as you were in a rush that morning) And something about chocolate stains on the kitchen floor ( don't ask me HOW it got there?) but either way it is YOUR fault and you have to clean it.
So you go on your hands and knees ala cinderella and clean the floor. How it got there heaven knows! But oh no... you have to clean it.
I try to tell myself not to ruminate.... why i should not ruminate
a) In the grand scheme of things, this is a speck
b) HAven't we already been through this??
c) I should just be like WHATEVER
Can i be honest and truthful here? though this has probably happened a million and one times and you are so tired of hearing this by now but I really dislike the way I am made to feel and the way I am being treated. I feel like a fillipino maid who hasn't done her job and is being scolded by her employer, a school child who has done something wrong, even my parents never really made me feel like that. Not for years.... I feel myself reduced in size everytime, made to feel defenceless and like I am the villain everytime. Maybe i am being too sensitive abt it, and i should just ignore it, but everytime this happens I feel this way. Right now, it is not quite so bad cos I know this is not going to last forever, i will eventually move out of this place.
I know I am stronger now, that I CAN get through this and I WILL. If i keep telling myself that
Ive realised some things
a) Im not assertive enough, with my housemates I feel threatened and dominated by them. I know i should not... But i do. No-one ever shows any mercy or cuts any slack for anyone. I feel like a pony with my ears stick back.. huddled in a corner away from the herd
OKAY CAROLYN STOP IT NOW
STOP WHINING AND COMPLAINING it doesn't solve anything
LET IT GO
Ok
got it
out of my system... jus had to vent
It is out now
b)
Then you come home and get yelled at by your totally rad roomies for innocently leaving some coffee grains on the kitchen counter ( you were going to clean it when you returned from class as you were in a rush that morning) And something about chocolate stains on the kitchen floor ( don't ask me HOW it got there?) but either way it is YOUR fault and you have to clean it.
So you go on your hands and knees ala cinderella and clean the floor. How it got there heaven knows! But oh no... you have to clean it.
I try to tell myself not to ruminate.... why i should not ruminate
a) In the grand scheme of things, this is a speck
b) HAven't we already been through this??
c) I should just be like WHATEVER
Can i be honest and truthful here? though this has probably happened a million and one times and you are so tired of hearing this by now but I really dislike the way I am made to feel and the way I am being treated. I feel like a fillipino maid who hasn't done her job and is being scolded by her employer, a school child who has done something wrong, even my parents never really made me feel like that. Not for years.... I feel myself reduced in size everytime, made to feel defenceless and like I am the villain everytime. Maybe i am being too sensitive abt it, and i should just ignore it, but everytime this happens I feel this way. Right now, it is not quite so bad cos I know this is not going to last forever, i will eventually move out of this place.
I know I am stronger now, that I CAN get through this and I WILL. If i keep telling myself that
Ive realised some things
a) Im not assertive enough, with my housemates I feel threatened and dominated by them. I know i should not... But i do. No-one ever shows any mercy or cuts any slack for anyone. I feel like a pony with my ears stick back.. huddled in a corner away from the herd
OKAY CAROLYN STOP IT NOW
STOP WHINING AND COMPLAINING it doesn't solve anything
LET IT GO
Ok
got it
out of my system... jus had to vent
It is out now
b)
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Here comes the sun and I say it's alright
I don;t think i really want to care much anymore. If things like last time happen again, i know i can get through it now. I have the inner strength to get through that trauma. Find it within myself, will not end up the tangled mess I was before. I will not disintegrate, I will not fall I will remain strong.
I will look at it and try not see it as I am the enemy, the evil one for the things that people have blown out of porportion. Because in the end they will come back to me they will realise their wrongs. It happens, if i know i truly did nothing wrong. which is true most of the time.
So much fucking drama
On top of my a) Psych mid term ( DO NOT FUCKING SCREW UP )
b) EVIL paper ( the paper is evil)
c) Stats assignment
What other work is coming my way????
this week has been a killer so far... though by tmr it's gonna be ALL over
I will look at it and try not see it as I am the enemy, the evil one for the things that people have blown out of porportion. Because in the end they will come back to me they will realise their wrongs. It happens, if i know i truly did nothing wrong. which is true most of the time.
So much fucking drama
On top of my a) Psych mid term ( DO NOT FUCKING SCREW UP )
b) EVIL paper ( the paper is evil)
c) Stats assignment
What other work is coming my way????
this week has been a killer so far... though by tmr it's gonna be ALL over