Don't be suprised if I love you for all that you are

I guess I can rationalize it now. Before i get all social-psyschology on it.

Remember how pained I was last term? I suppose I can talk about it now cos I feel better, i have rationalized things, thought about it. Really changed since then.

Over reading week with Han and Shiue lin we talked about being away from home etc. I think maybe Fall '09 was when I really felt my homesickness. It was a VERY delayed reaction. More like a 2year long dealyed reaction. Now that I've said two years it does seem that length. Hence I did not understand why I was feeling that way. Why then? I felt so lonely, I think my housemates / friends didn't understand why i was being like that. To them, Canada is home. For me, it isn't 100% My family lives in Singapore. I have no permanant home here yet. There was not really anyone I could really relate to, who could really empathise with me and understand my pain. My close group of friends was them. Losing them, was like losing everything at Waterloo. I realised I was completely alone. THere was no-one i could turn to talk to, i had no person who could be there for me and support me when i needed it. No real close person.

Everything was falling apart, I was blamed for being distant. I was given these cold looks by everyone, I felt like I was drifting away, I felt uncomfortable in my own apartment, I used to stay out late so i didn't have to feel the dreadful anxiety whenever i marched up the stairs to my apartment to be greeted by snarls and grumpy, merciless expressions and cold words. I felt small, fearful. Had i lost everything? I was so lonely and sad and felt like I was blamed for everything that went wrong. it was always my fault. I didn't know if my behaviour was being labelled as I thought i was too good for everyone, when i was really suffering, no-one seemed to notice it. They thought it was pride, but no it was deep loneliness, homescikness and saddness. HTere were meoments i wanted to pack up and go home, screw University. But I was realise I just really upset. I would call back home in desperate floods of tears not knowing what to do.

Im not saying everyhthing is really perfect now, it is not. Everyday is still a challange, but an easier one now that I've accepted and grown and changed my fears and thoughts about things. For example, I expanded my social circle, I got to know others, if anything, this experience forced me to look outside for me more friends. To realise it was stupid to be so fearful, but I guess you learn a lot, you gain tons of maturity and independence, you gain strength. I may have been torn down, but I can get up. Maybe that term was the time for me to mourn and greive for leaving home, I had to live it, to get through it.

At least now, I know I have people who will stand by me and love me for everything that I am, and I am happy. It's not all perfect, but I am trying.

7:42 PM ·