After reading older blog and diary entries written by myself when I was still in secondary school. Ive decided to pen a letter to my younger self....

Dear 16 year old self,

You are beautiful, yeah it sounds like a cliche, but it is true. You may think you have it tough right now, you feel invisible sometimes ( still do sometimes now) that people don't love or accept you, they call you wierd or strange. Honey, it is all going to change, remember you are special and you need to LOVE yourself. You are worth it, you are kind, loving, generous and giving and you have innate goodness about you that you will keep. You know right from wrong and aren't afraid to show it. Your grades should NEVER determine the kind of person you are! your self worth should NEVER be tied to your academics, it is TOTALLY different, KNOW that!! Do NOT let the system let you DOWN! they should NEVER make you feel lousy!! don't indulge in self-hate!

Keep your passions, you are different and unique, you are perfect and don't need to change yourself for ANYONE. It doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or not even if you long for one, believe me, you will have boys in your life!! be true to yourself, its hard to figure out who you are at this time, and you know its ok to question yourself. Just remember that people love you, you are never alone ( I still struggle with that) Help others, try making a difference in other's lives, spread love. Be kind to others! smile! be friendly! if they don't like what you have to offer! then fuck them!

Carolyn you are beautiful and AMAZING. The hard times will pass and you will have even more challenging times, but your life is soon going to change for the better, if anything, cherish the experience you have now cos it's not going to last forever.

being young is hard.... but you are doing a good job! keep it up and just LOVE yourself, you are an amazing person!

Love

Carolyn

Say goodnight

Ive been over this a million and one times... thought about it for weeks, days, on end. All of it looping around never coming to a conclusion, and then I did. Ive talked it over so many times, but now its so over. I am sorry for what I've done, I loved you, I swear I did that's not a lie. I was the one you loved, i don't deny that. After what I did I had to question myself if I loved someone why would I do this to you? Why I couldn;'t answer that question, maybe now I can.... slowly at least come to some sort of answer to it.... Its hard its never easy, I never meant to do the things I did to you. But things working out again? Ive thought about it a million times and I just can;t see it anymore. I am done, i loved you, but it's done. I wish you would accept it and move on with your life. I know you think there is more to us, but I can't see it, its a two-way street. I never ever ever meant to hurt you at all. We had beautiful times and Im not mad at you at all, I was just unhappy. So you think I made a tremendous mistake in thinking this way and giving up on us..... but I need this, I need to figure myself out properly and what I need. I may be the right one for you, but I don't think you are the right one for me. It sucks I know, Im not going to lie about that, believe me I cried and agonized about this for days, but guilt is not going to keep me back, putting you first I always always did that, we did that for each other all the time. But I felt you constantly picked on me, never accepted me for who I was... that i was always wrong..... I should have raised it, but I never did. I was afraid of being alone without you, and I admit its not gonna be completely easy. But I am not scared anymore.

12:33 PM ·