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Born in Sg, survived seven years of IJ, escaped to canada for the miraculous rebirth.. likes to say she found self there, But well when can we reach self actualization? now a waterloo student. 110% horse mad, was practically born on the back of a horse ( or rather wishes she was) horses are my favourite thing.

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You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.

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Wednesday, October 07, 2009
20 BITCHES YEAH BABY

Okay need to calm down about that

20 big deal, not 21. Anyway, my awesome roommates gave me a lovely birthday cake and surprise when i got home. I half-expected it, half-didn't. It was a VERY sweet gesture on their part!!

Can't go out this week due to mid terms and stuff... but at least am going to toronto on friday!! yay!!!! I really hope i can do well on my mid-terms... cos i HAVE HAVE to. I don't want to flunk out in my 2A term, nor have i failed anything yet.

But anyway, i had an epiphany the other day

Firstly, Im done chasing people or wishing they would come after me. Im tired of it, it was one person after another and i just got tired in the end. I didn't ask for it to happen IT JUST CAME down on me like a storm trenching me to the skin until. Ok so maybe the first time was ok, i will take it but..... the second, I don't know what came over me, it was just reciprocation. Being in the moment... forgetting everything around me or where i was ( was it the alcohol? ) unlikely. I tend to do this, the next things i ended up doing i don't know why i did, i guess i just thought " hey why not, just go for it" Then not really regretting... OKAY now regretting but just scratching my head and wondering why? why did i do it? and the answer is i don't know. I guess i was just there, didn't really think and went impulsively too fast. I did things i won't normally do.

Ok back to the story... tired of chasing ppl, if it comes to me it comes, if it doesn't so be it. I just have to be that way. It's the only way i can keep my mental state from me going " what the fuck is wrong with me? im a perfectly decent lovely individual with so much to offer why am i still single??? ive been trying honestly but it just doesn't seem to work" It's been over a year since i've been in a commuitted relationship.

I've got to just lay off and step back. Just be friends, no rushing. Maybe that is the way to go. At least i hope so. You know what? i think im happier and more satisfied that way, i will not worry about this anymore I will not concern myself with these thoughts anymore.

The 2nd epiphany..... I realise i need classes that MAKE ME THINk. So far only my film class and a bit of research methods and sex has allowed me that. Dev psych is soooo biological it doesn't make me think it doesn't make wonder about the world, it doesn;t allow me to analyze, question. Just cold hard facts, not fun. I need to be able to challange something, whenever there is a grey area... i mean is there really black and white?? straight right and wrong?

Sometimes, there never is.