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Born in Sg, survived seven years of IJ, escaped to canada for the miraculous rebirth.. likes to say she found self there, But well when can we reach self actualization? now a waterloo student. 110% horse mad, was practically born on the back of a horse ( or rather wishes she was) horses are my favourite thing.

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You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.

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Wednesday, December 02, 2009
What happened to me this Term

I guess i need to be told I am a good person.
It is just, I am fed up with the looks, the way I am treated. Not by everyone, just by certain people and I am bloody sick of it all. I am really being pushed to the edge with this.

There is so much I can take from people, and no i don't know what to my strength. I used to be strong, but it got so eroded away by I dont know what!! I ended up feeling trapped, like I can't even wake up from this terrifying nightmare, andd it keeps going on. I can;t break away from this lease until end of winter next yr... WHY THE HELL DID I NOT JUST MOVE OUT NOW???? Oh i know.. cos i thought it would be too much of a hassle to move... which is true.

But really... my sanity? I AM A NICE PERSON. I am not a mean bitch, i make mistakes but i try, really hard to be nice. Yeah, i say the wrong thing something, i get those foot-in-mouth moments when i say this i should not, but i would NEVER EVER intentionally hurt anyone. I have tried explaining that over to people but they just don't listen and i don't know why.

I don't know why i am getting the looks, the attitude, i don't know. All i know is that, i thought things were going well, FINE in fact maybe things were returning to normal. BUT NO MAYBE NOT. I dont know why... is it me? I don't know.

HAve people been making me feel horrible? Yes, i have let people bring me down, people have made me feel like shit, where did my strength go? Oh i know! it is cos I thought these people cared about me! i let my guard down and felt i was being accepted and liked by people, for being who i am. I am not 100% perfect, i can;t always be the best BUT I DO TRY. You know what? if my best doesn't work for you, then too bad!!! Cos i busted my fucking ass this term, OK? socially I TRIED!! Ok! i really really tried!! You talked to me, i listened and i did I really put in the effort and i tried. I am not a bad person, I will not let them make me feel like i am one.

This is like IJ Again, people making me feel like shit, i don;t know why or how. I just know that I have to be stronger, I have overcome this... TWO MORE WEEKS TWO MORE WEEKS.

I have always felt it was MY FAULT for everything. Like everything i did was my fault, like it was MY WRONG for everything. LIKE I CANNOT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so damn tired of it, I tried so hard this term, if my best doesn't work for you, i don;t know what will. Cos i have done my utmost best. If i can't live with you guys, then i don't know who can! try getting someone really perfect to do it.. cos i cannot.

I am tired of the way i am being treated, i don't want to raise it and cause shit again. Cos i don't want to have to go up and ask why the other person is feeling that way and "let's talk" cos we have done that before, and i have TRIED. I am not the one in the wrong.