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Born in Sg, survived seven years of IJ, escaped to canada for the miraculous rebirth.. likes to say she found self there, But well when can we reach self actualization? now a waterloo student. 110% horse mad, was practically born on the back of a horse ( or rather wishes she was) horses are my favourite thing.

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You can keep me out of your mind that's alright.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I don't know why I am thinking of it... is it because I am bored? I don't know, want to wallow in self pity? no?

I just think about that night when we argued. What transpired. I don't think its something that i will forget. I mean sure traumatic things have happened to me before. But this I don't think I will forget it. 
That night, I had TO. RUN. OUT. ON.THE. STREET . HALF NAKED> TO.GET.MY. PHONE. at 3am in the morning no less.  The way, the tone he used to me, chills me to the bone. The snarling words behind the clenched jar that HE is in charge and i need to get myself back in the house and calm down so as not to wake the house. Oh I was the crazy one! I was not the crazy one, i was the apologetic one, the forever crying one. The one he called a dirty slut. The one that would be forced to do sexual things I didn't like. I didn't say no. I would wake up and he would be inside of me, I would fall asleep to him pounding me.  I have to tell myself, submission is not consent. I didn';t think it was wrong at the time. But I felt I couldn't say no to sex to him. I thought just because I was with him, it was ok for him to have sex with me when he wanted.  Even if I didn't really feel like it, i would go through with it.

He choked me- I did nothing... why? I didn't do anything because... I don't know..... because I knew he liked doing it. He said he knew when to stop, but then why did I claw his fingers off my neck and tell him to never do it again? 

Why did he place a pillow over my face when he had sex with me? if it was bdsm, we had no safe word

why did he have anal sex with me? when i told him i didn;t want to? it hurt so much that i wanted him to stop and told him to just get out and he didn't. It hurt so much after

Why did he like it when I choked on his cock? why would he like to pinch my nose when I blew him?  He would get annoyed/ disappointed when I couldn't swallow everything when he came. It is difficult enough for me to enjoy swallowing, everytime I do it I feel like puking. 

He always wanted me to eat and play with his balls. I don; really like eating out this scrotum but i did it anyway. 

I have a memory of being on the couch at my house, i was with him and I was getting ready to leave for a flight back home. I was waiting  for the taxi to the airport. we were sitting next to each other and then I remember i was giving him a blow job, i was sucking on his cock.  It felt wrong. It felt dirty. I was leaving in a few minutes, i would be gone for about a few months and this is how we were going to spend my last few minutes with him? me crouching on the ground blowing him. Like some cheap prostitute? felt wrong and dirty. I wanted to be cuddling with him on the couch not with his cock in my mouth. Then i wonder, why did i not stop?

I mean, I have always been a strong supporter of women's rights, and against rape and sexual assault and blaming the victim. But now I feel more than ever that this cause has so much more meaning. Maybe because I have aknowledgeed that this happened to me.  I thought it was ok because he was my boyfriend. There is not really such a thing ! how could it ever feel like rape? I guess I had for the longest time internalized and held this few so it never felt like rape.  Just rough consensual sex.  because he was my boyfriend, he wasn't some date I had met at a party or a platonic friend I had no interest in sex with. He was someone I was supposed to be ALWAYS interested in having sex with.   How could I have held these views? I never saw it as violence, until now. Even when he had his hands around my neck and pillow over my face.