At the End

So today was my last day of internship..... How i felt walking out of there, I felt nothing, no sense of overwhelming " omg can't believe I am leaving" none of that. I don't know... maybe I should have opened up more, maybe I should have talked more with the team, but I just got too into my head and felt really isolated by all them, like I felt there was a distinct separation between me and them.  I mean, I just felt they didn't really ask me anything, or maybe I should have iniated more conversation.  I don't know....

Maybe in other words, I didn't feel like I really belonged or was part of them, maybe cos of how transient my position is. As an intern you are constantly being judged and put under a microscope and evaluated.  I mean, I remember my very last day at George Hull, there was a puppy tugging at feet, I was single shifted for the afternoon and I went " wow, can't believe I am done" I think another thing I didn't feel a sense of connectedness to the kids the way I did with the LP girls. Here, I just felt like I couldn't really connect to them, I mean I had a relationship but it wasn't the same, I wouldn't cry over them. I was guarded.  Maybe its my fault and I should have worked harder at this placement, I should have run more 1-1 activities, should have done more activities with the group. I didn;'t seize those opportunities... why? well I think firstly because i didn't think I really had to.... and yes Ok fine I will take responsibility for it, but then again I don't want to, I felt there was no space for it. I would have to go through so many hoops to just run a program.  A word to describe would be, constricted. I felt constricted, and worried about whatever I was saying. I could n't really be fully relaxed and myself the way I did when I was at George Hull.  Im not playing my last placement in any way, they operate in their way and its their program, nothing wrong with it and as a good cyw i need to be able to adapt myself to any setting and be good at it. I just felt I couldn't be me.
I want to work with kids who need me, who really want me to be around them and not just on some perch in the office. Maybe it is working with younger kids... I just want to feel like I want to have fun with the kids and be hands on with them. I mean yes, I do get the clinical piece and how it is important. But maybe my place is somewhere I can run and design programing, really be there with the kids and have fun with them.
that is what I want and what I lacked, having fun with the kids. I like to be able to give a kid a hug if they need it. At my last placement, I couldn't. I just didn't have a sense of true connectedness to the kids, I didn't have fun with them, but I did really get a chance to practice more counselling skills. But I felt this wasn't really me at my strongest. I mean, i feel I am strongest if I am able to be out in the community with clients, even out playing a sport in a park, visiting a meuseum, just interacting with them on a more informal level, yet also getting the chance to counsel them.

Part of it was too was that I think I had to balance schoolwork and placement and that is HARD. You are at placement 30hrs a week and in school 12 hrs a week. Its a lot of hours, you have little time for yourself.

9:39 PM ·